e's blogs
Imperfect Prose (Daily Ramblings) - nominated for 'best personal blog' in CBA, 2008
Korea Adventures
Fragile Thoughts (Poetry)
Trenton and I; married July 9, 2003
e's fave reads
Writing to Change the World by Mary Pipher
The Stone Angel by Margaret Lawrence
Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood
'Tis by Frank McCourt
The Kite Runner by Khaled Housseini
Walking on Water: Reflections on Art and Faith by Madeleine L'Engle
Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver
Finishing the half marathon in Ottawa, May 2008
Nov. 15
as the water pitter-patters against my window pane, it hits me: a rock-hard thought splashing into the puddle of my mind, rippling with concentric feelings:
if i hadn’t lost my baby, i wouldn’t have been able to have the operation on my cervix. the pre-cancerous cells would have then developed… becoming something much bigger, much more terrifying. cancer.
is it possible, i ask the suds in my dishwater–as the rain continues to dribble down the glass, much like the tears on my face–that God hadn’t turned a blind eye? that he intentionally gave me the hope of knowing i could conceive, but then withdrew the hope in order to heal me, so that when the time does arrive for me to have a family, i can live to see them grow up? is this why he allows pain to happen? because, ultimately, he cares more than we’ll ever imagine?
i hadn’t learned of the pre-cancerous cells until after the miscarriage. yet, he’d known all along.
the realization is too much and i lie in a pool of tears, leaking gratitude across my bed. outside, a rainbow begins to streak across the sky, bleeding hope to this weak little girl.
Oct. 9
My husband and I just found out I miscarried. It's very hard to concentrate, but writing and art are once again serving as vessels of healing.For more information, please visit my blog: http://canvaschild.wordpress.com.
Sept. 21
Today is my first book launch. It's much like attending my own wedding five years ago; surreal. Yet at the same time, it's far too ordinary--like going to the mall. I have to keep reminding myself over and over to thank Jesus, for only He could have brought me here, helping me to fulfill one of my life goals at 28 years of age. Thank you Lord. May your will be done in my life.
(Here I'm reading an excerpt from my book, Save My Children, in front of 200 guests)
Aug. 30
hints of autumn lace the cool morning air. i ride my bicycle, letting summer’s final kisses graze my cheeks. find serenity in the tall stately fields of corn, in the proud trees lining the road, in the horses flicking their tails from side to side. i’m home again. after a summer of traveling, i’m blissfully, wonderfully home.
afternoon consists of baking bread–pounding, kneading, rolling the dough into gentle submission then watching it rise into golden glory; i gather tomatoes from the vine in the garden, and chop them into soup which will grace our palettes at supper. bring in zucchini, shred it into thin green lines then mix it with peppers and vinegar to make salsa. hang countless coloured clothes upon the line and watch the moisture lift from tired material. fold them into crisp clean squares then slide them into drawers where they slumber till morn.
evening falls as the sounds of crickets arise and serenade the stillness. i sip tea with my husband who nurses a beer, and we watch as one by one the lights in people’s windows turn off, leaving only the television’s green glow dancing upon our neighbours’ walls.
autumn is indeed around the corner; the reddening leaves tell me so, but this too is fine. so long as i’m home.
July 15
In a few days we'll be packing up our veggie car and tooting down the long road to Alberta. I can't wait. For one week we can wave goodbye to responsibility; our lives will consist of camping, listening to stories on tape, and watching our gorgeous country zip by in colourful smudges of green, yellow and blue.
Isn't that what summer's about? Smokey fires, burnt sausages in a bun, and tenting under the stars? It's these moments which revive our souls, nurture our minds, and remind us we're not the centre of the universe. I cannot wait.
And yet, I need to. I need to slow down and let things take their course. Because all too soon these days of unending light will be replaced by fall-time flurry.
July 1
It's Canada Day and I just spent it with my favourite people in the world: my hubby, my Mum, my Dad and Jack Black. Well, I wouldn't say Jack is one of my faves but we sure enjoyed his movie, Kung-Fu Panda. Mum was fuzzy, but she still laughed and seemed to enjoy herself although tomorrow she'll wake up and think it's Canada Day all over again. These kinds of days just seem to be wiped off the map of her mind... which is why I took a photo. :)
I have all but completed my memoir on Mum, called Mum's Dance. I am now editing it.
The first few paragraphs of the book are being published in the next issue of Geez.
This summer Save My Children will be published by Castle Quay Books. I am still waiting to hear about Canvas Child.
Trent and I celebrated our five-year anniversary pre-emtively; the theatre prices were cheaper in June, so we snagged a lovely Bed and Breakfast climbing with wild flowers and watched 'Taming of the Shrew' in nearby Stratford. It was both marvelous and romantic. Upon leaving I found myself very sad, kind of how one feels once Christmas is over.
But if I've learned one thing, change is necessary in order for better things to come along. That's how I like to look at it, anyways. :)
June 18
I have an art show this weekend in Wellesley; it's called 'Art Round the Pond.' Tomorrow I'm driving to Toronto for a meeting with The Record; then I'm being interviewed by Christina Crook, a writer compiling a book about women she finds inspiring. I'm honoured.
June 6
I've been away from home for two weeks... it feels like years. :) I've been covering conferences in both Montreal and Ottawa. The Montreal Conference was a Presbyterian retreat for female minister; the one in Ottawa was the General Assembly for The Presbyterian Church in Canada. I've been moved and impressed by the government of this church, by the truth and reconciliation it's seeking to pursue with aboriginal leaders in this country, and by the social justice sought for by the church members. Now it's time to go home and weed my garden and kiss my husband.
May 25
Today I ran the Ottawa Half Marathon in 2 1/4 hours. I was one of 9,000 running the half. In total, 33,000 individuals ran this weekend (5 km, 10 km, full marathon etc.). It was a challenging, wonderful experience. I've never felt so unified with complete strangers. We were all shooting for the same goal. We'd all trained for months to get here, and we were all seeing the fruition of that training unroll in front of us as we trailed through the scenic streets of Ottawa. Equally special was the affirmation complete strangers gave us from the sidelines, cheering us on by name (as evident on our number bibs) and holding out numerous signs like "You guys are awesome!" and "Nice legs sexy!" I will never ever forget today. More important than all those strangers rooting for me, however, was having my family around to cheer me on. Mum, Dad and Trent as well as both my sisters came up to Ottawa especially to root me on. There was no shortage of love this weekend. I'm forever grateful.
May 20
It was truly a long weekend. Now I feel I need another. :) Saturday I drove down to Oakville where I met Drew Marshall and was interviewed on his Talk Show. Afterwards he took my sister and I out for red wine and a captivating talk. It was such an honour to meet with him. He's bringing reality to faith in Canada.
Then we drove home to catch Prince Caspian which sadly, was disappointing. Moments in the movie expired long before they ended. I think the awe of Narnia was best captured in the first, and perhaps cannot be repeated.
After that I returned home to find my husband had built us a campfire at midnight and poured me a glass of peach wine. Then we watched an episode of Lost.
Early the next morning I arose to drive to Waterloo where I painted a piece called 'Creation's Offering' as pastor Steve Tulloch spoke (art during a church service is a unique and inspiring form of worship which I love) and then shared some of my poetry and writings with the congregation. Steve was talking about the role of creation and the earth in our lives as believers.
Then I met up with my friend Sandy who was launching her book at Chapters, and we had bubble tea. After that I drove home to welcome our friends up from Toronto. They stayed overnight and we played poker and bocce ball and drank beer and fellowshipped. I feel full and tired. This coming week I'm completing my training for the half marathon on Sunday May 24th in Ottawa, as well as finishing up news stories for the Record. I am thankful for my life.
May 16
Yesterday I stopped, looked outside and noticed the sun setting. And it dawned on me: Life is so very temporary. Suddenly the applesauce I was making seemed utterly trivial, as did the complaints which were, up until then, buzzing around in my head. All that really matters, I realized, is relationships. Over the past year that knowledge has definitely been sinking in, in light of Mum's illness, but it's startling how sidetracked we can become over things which won't even enter the equation when we're standing before the Maker of the Universe. I dropped the spoon I was holding and went to find my husband. He was sitting in our orange chair reading a book. I bent down, gave him a hug and a kiss and whispered 'I love you.' His face lit up like I'm sure God's will when finally we get to be with Him--forever. Yes, those are the moments that matter.
Yesterday I appeared on national television, sharing my struggle with anorexia with the viewers of 100 Huntley Street. While nervous beforehand, peace descended as I sat on Moira's couch and saw in her eyes genuine interest in my story. I am so grateful for the opportunities God is giving me, and pray He will use them to glorify His beautiful name.
Additionally, they want to interview Trent and I together on the show, once Canvas Child gets published. :) All I can say is, Lord, Thy Will Be Done.
May 1
it’s one of those days where the sun cannot compare to my countenance. i am radiant, shining, glowing, and on top of the world.
i have an agent for my book, ‘Save My Children.’ she wants to represent me. what an honour. little ol’ me. i have been waiting since before Christmas to hear from her; i’ve been praying every night, and some days just folding over on my desk and begging God for his will to be done.
so what does it mean to have an agent? it’s almost impossible to get a book published with a notable publisher unless an agent represents you … and it’s very very hard to get an agent these days. so this is a miracle. she’s a strong believer in Christ, and really believes in this book. she has scouted around, asked the publishers what they’re looking for, and found some which she believes would be a good home for Save My Children. now she’s working on developing the ‘pitch’ and selling the book to them. so I just have to sit back and pray. once she’s sold it, she will get 15 % of whatever the book ends up making, and Bethany Homes will get the rest …
the other route (self-publishing, or going with a small canadian publisher) would have required me to do the marketing and selling of the book; now it’s out of my hands, and will hopefully reach a wide audience (particularly since this is an american agent)
what a big week! all this, plus i’ll be appearing on TV next Tuesday! (May 6th).. I’ll be on 100 Huntley Street, on Crossroads Television Station (CTS) at 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. thanks for joining in this celebration with me, folks!
April 25
I have finally realized the secret to a happy life. The key is not to worry. All of my life I've clung to worry as if it were my lifesaver, but really its weight was dragging me down.
I've been studying my husband lately, wondering what makes him so content. One day it hit me: He never worries. He never fears for the future. He is fully engaged in the moment.
I want to be like that.
April 11
Kerri makes me want to jump in spring puddles for the sheer joy of it.
"I have these moments," she tells me. "It happens around 3 p.m., right as I'm getting off work. I step out onto the sidewalk and all of a sudden I'm flooded with this incredible sense of gratefulness. I'm grateful for my life, for the food I eat, for the people I know... and it happens every day. And I wonder, will life ever be normal again?"
She stops and sticks her face in some yellow tulips which are sitting alongside the road. I tried to comprehend. "You're overwhelmed by gratefulness?"
She nods, her eyes bright. "Every day. I can't get over how blessed I am."
It's not like she has an extraordinary job (she teaches English to Korean students) or that she has everything mapped out (in fact, she was having boy-problems). Rather, she finds life beyond her own circumstances. She is someone who, despite loving to travel, will NOT fly unless it's a very meaningful trip because otherwise it would be simply self-indulgent.
I'm blown away. I have to sit down and digest. Why the heck am I not more grateful?
April 3
This week has been tough. You know how we joke about God striking us down with lightening? Well, this week he did. Literal lightening. Only it struck down my brand-new laptop and printer instead of me--for which I'm thankful. Sort of.
Thankfully my Dad was able to retrieve my files from the hard-drive, but our insurance will not cover the loss due to our high deductible.
Prior to this occurrence, my husband and I got in a big fight over my most recent book... By prior, I mean the night before. It was one of those ear-splitting fights that make your eyes puffy and red the next morning.
What have I learned from this? Writing should never, ever come between my Love and I. So my priorities have been shocked into place. And secondly, I've been challenged not to complain. I practiced not whining when my laptop got fried; instead, I prayed. And everything flowed more smoothly.
March 28
I've been battling a terrible cough/fever for the past seven days and it's sapped me of spiritual and physical strength. I'm so thankful for my husband whose integrity and steadfastness keeps me ... leaning on him lol. No, in fact, he keeps me leaning on God and continually points me back towards Him even when I'm feeling low.
When interviewing Phil Cann of Youth Unlimited this past week, I realized I'd fallen prey to one of North America's fastest growing lies: Christianity is about me. But it's not. As Phil said, he's sick of the 'me-gocentricity' of the church. In many ways it's an Oprah-esque philosophy; Oprah says she's a Christian yet believes Jesus came to show us the way to our hearts... Um, excuse me? I thought he came to show us the way to the Father. But that could be my fault. After all, I got that from the Bible which, while it has many good points, cannot be completely accurate because, well, it doesn't match up to my idea of who God is. And hello.... I created God, so I should know what He's like. :)
Sadly, many of us do try and create Him in OUR image, when it's very much the other way around. I'm working on re-evaluating who I believe God to be, and Why, and asking Him to make Himself painfully real to me no matter the cost. I'd encourage you to do the same!
March 24
Waiting...
If I run too fast my feet will never leave a mark.
Praying...
If my knees refuse to bend, circumstances will, too.
Silence...
If I continue to break it, nothing will mend.
Hope...
If it doesn't exist, why does any of this matter?
March 13
This past week was March Break. Trent and I took 'Marshmallow,' our white Volkswagon Golf, and drove to Sault Ste. Marie where we stayed with good friends for a few nights. In the meantime Trenton converted our car so it can run on used vegetable oil. Driving home we worked out the kinks and by the end the car was purring smoothly on veggie fluid.
Feb. 29
So today (Leap Year Day) comes every four years... I feel a bit beside myself, as I often do when trying to comprehend things like 'death' or 'eternity.' I think God created Leap Year to keep us vulnerable; to remind us that life does exist beyond the borders of 'time' as we know it. Because really, today can't exist. It's like extra minutes in a day, when the sun stands still. Today is a miracle -- an extra 24 hours with which to use our lives wisely, carefully, creatively...
Last night I watched 'You've Got Mail' with Mom. We've been doing the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan marathon (which consists of three movies :)). Before we settled down with our tea and our cookies to laugh and cry with our favorite characters, however, I interviewed Mom.
I pulled out my blue mP3 player, pressed the record button, and asked her to tell me about her life as a child growing up in Britain. And as she slowly and deliberately began to recall life in Ashford, Middlesex, as a shy girl with overly-strict parents, I became lost in her British accent and the gentle blue of her eyes remembering days of old, and I wondered "Why haven't I asked her these things before?"
In other words, why does it always take selfishness on my part? (I was interviewing her in order to start my new book, based on her life -- I plan to entitle it "Mere".)
Well, as some say, better late than never.
Feb. 26
Time is flying by on transparent wings.
My husband and I have both been very sick, yet continue to plod along. Last week the entire family was up from Ottawa; it was good to play games and make fun of each other.
Some days it feels like I am constantly being tested: which I probably am. I've realized life isn't about the results, but about the process. God cares what my response is to the problem; he can easily provide the solution. Too often I explode in the face of uncertainty, when I should simply embrace it and move on.
Right now we're praying about the future. Trent's father is very sick, and may need to give up farming altogether. Trent has never wanted to farm, but feels he should help his Dad - at least for awhile. It wouldn't be for a couple of years (after all, Trent has a dream job right now, and I've just accepted a position at The Record), but still -- every day I battle my desire to just take off and see the world and not worry about family anymore. Every day I wonder, is today the day my mother will get better? Is today the day she'll die? And with my father in law also sick, our prayer times are chock-full of "Lord, please heal, heal, heal...."
It's just that sometimes 'self' kicks in. I crave traveling. It's something which bubbles up inside of me, like the need to paint or write. I think about it constantly.
Yet as I explained to my sister in law the other day, I'm becoming more and more convinced that life isn't about what we 'want.' After all, we don't even know what we truly want. It's about doing what we ought, and trusting God to give us the desires of our hearts in the process.
When we honor Him, He blesses us. It's not the other way 'round. This world is about pleasing self; I'm realizing that's a big lie. Daily I find joy in simple things: in typing away on my computer, in painting, in reading a good book -- things which can be done anywhere. And when I worry, I pray. I pray "Lord, you know I want to travel. Please open a door for me to do so. If you don't want me to, take that desire away."
Amen. and Amen.
Feb. 18
I wanted to let you know that I'm participating in the Waterloo 2008 Spring Spring, which raises money for brain tumour research every year.
I will be participating on behalf of my mother, Yvonne Patricia Dow,
who has a brain tumour.
Can you help me, either through financial support or prayers? Thank you!
Here is my personal site, where you can make secure online donations
using your credit card:
http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=1709249
For more information on how YOU can participate in Region of Waterloo
2008 Spring Sprint, please visit www.braintumour.ca today!
Thank you for your support in helping to imagine a cure for brain tumours!
(here my mother is leaning on me -- I'm on the far right; this was taken on a family trip to the Maritimes this past summer)
Feb. 15
Not only was yesterday 'Hallmark Day' as my husband and I so lovingly call it; it was the day I found out I'd be working for The Presbyterian Record (as I mention under 'Articles'). Trent and I took care of six rambunctious children from Tuesday until Thursday, while their parents went on a retreat; after packing them off to school yesterday, I drove three hours to Toronto to meet with The Record's staff, then three hours home through a blizzard. It was a tiring yet fruitful day! Tonight Trent's bringing home Chinese food and a movie; time to wine and dine! (We celebrate V-day on the 15th, fighting the corporate hand in our own little rebellious way)
Feb. 8
I have been asked to meet the staff at The Presbyterian Record on Thursday, Feb. 14th. (They are considering me as a replacement for Amy, their current in-house writer who is going on mat-leave). I am both nervous and happy. It would be wonderful to act as staff reporter for The Record; may God guide my words and my actions as I interact with the staff.
Feb. 1
We did it. We ordered the kit from www.greasecar.com, which will convert our car from a diesel-guzzling tank to a used-veggie-oil tank. :) We'll be doing the conversion over March Break. I'm excited and petrified. :)
I have been working out a lot lately, as I'm training for Ottawa's half-marathon in May. It's incredibly hard... so many times I just want to step off that treadmill and call it a day, but the longer I stick with it, the better I feel in the long run. (ha ha -- get it? Long run? Sigh...)
Mom has been doing very well; she's been very alert and 'with it.' I love having her, my dad and my sister over for supper. I thoroughly enjoy cooking. That being said, I'm grateful for times when my hubby cooks. Like on snow days (which have been occurring a lot lately); since he's a math teacher, he spends those days tip-toeing around home trying not to disturb me (which is hard since we have such a small house :))
We went snowboarding last weekend; it was marvelous, albeit disappointing compared to the Rocky Mountains we're used to. I caught myself becoming 'perfectionistic' on the slopes. Why do I need to excel? Why can I not just enjoy the moment? Ironically, it wasn't until I had consigned myself to the fact that I wasn't perfect that I began to do better. Life is funny that way.
Jan. 18
I feel giddy and extremely tired. I know that many people have been featured on '100 Huntley Street,' yet I never imagined I would be. Lord, please use this to make a difference. That's the only reason I exist... to change this world for you. Amen.
Jan. 8, 08
I have to be careful not to work too hard. As a freelance writer, it's up to me -- a workaholic -- to determine my own hours. Yet I have to set priorities: namely, my husband and God must come before anything else. So this is my New Year's Resolution: to spend early mornings with God, and evenings with my husband. If I don't, everything I'm trying to succeed at will be in vain.
Dec. 29
I'm in Alberta, relaxing with my husband's family for the holidays. I say "relaxing" with a twisted smile, as I'm not sure how to relax as a freelancer. Or as a person. I've always been so driven -- I wonder if one day I'll simply keel over and be unable to move another step? I hope not. I like creating. I thrive off of it.
Dec. 23, 2007
I do have a blog upon which I frequently write (http://canvaschild.blogspot.com), but I thought it wise to build a website for professional purposes. Or at least I can feign some sort of professionalism. :)
We just had Christmas with the family (above is a picture of my nephew, Isaiah and me). I can't believe it's over. Like a blip in the space of time, a shooting star, a wink from a handsome stranger, a rustle in the wind... something beautiful yet fleeting. And now we have to wait one more year... yet I'm learning in a world of flurried hurried anticipation to slow down, to listen to the beat of my own heart, to embrace moments which will form my character for years to come.
I don't want to take any of this for granted. Mom's tumor has made me realize the fragility of life. So has the birth of my nephew. Life is a cycle of woes and throes which thrust us upon the bosom of God.
