when you need a perfect father (and how to find one)

I spent this past weekend with a friend of mine, a woman who’s asked me to write a book with her, and when I arrived she said my shoulders were hunched over. 

She told me this, two days later. And I nodded. Yes, I said, that’s how I stand. Me, my dad, and my grandmother. It’s genetic, I said, but she shook her head. 

“You don’t stand like that anymore,” she told me.

And I smiled, because I knew. 

I had found more than a new coat that weekend. 

Me in my old coat, before the healing prayer

The day after arriving, I had walked straight into Crossroads, looking to trade in my old jacket because it wasn’t enough to keep out the cold. 

And my friend had held up a new one, and I had known, the way you know about a good man. “That’s the one,” I’d said. 

Just that morning she’d spent close to three hours in healing prayer with me. My friend, a counselor, and me, a hunched over 32 year old girl with a seven-year-old mushroom cut. The little girl crying inside of me for the years I’d tried to placate her.

But here I was, ready to write a book for dads and daughters with my friend and all of this little girl’s issues with her own dad awakening. 

I felt like I was going crazy in her living room that day, my friend talking to seven-year-old Emily in my mid-thirties body and having Jesus take that shaking girl to the Abba Father, the only perfect father who can ever meet every need we’ll ever have. 

And I never saw this coming because my dad and I are good, now. We’re friends now, but she needed to be acknowledged. That little girl. Her wounds, seen. No matter how hard a person tries, they can never go back. Only God can go back. 

Me in my new coat, after the healing prayer

So he does, and he holds you against the scruff of his beard in the strongest arms you’ve ever felt and the angels all around. 

And my friend, she says, “Where’s Jesus?” And I look over and I see him preparing tools for me to take on a journey. The Holy Spirit is holding onto the tools for me, because she’s going with me. And here they are, my family. My father, my brother, and my mother.  

Abba father who comforts, provides and protects, Jesus, my older brother whose life I strive to emulate, and the Holy Spirit, a mother who nurtures, guides and counsels me. 

“When you’re ready,” Abba whispers. “You don’t have to leave until you’re ready.” So for the first time in my life my will relaxes. For the first time. In my life. I rest. In the arms of the father.

“Just another day in paradise,” I whisper to myself, now, pulling my new jacket close and smiling. The little girl at peace, within. 


(linking with jen, michelle and heather)

**will you pray for me as I partner with Dr. Michelle Watson, founder of The Abba Project, to write a book for daughters entitled, When It's Hard to Call God Father? thank you friends. may the spirit lead...

**also, my friend Joshua Bechtel has a great new book out about his journey through the foster-care system, and discovering the love of the only true father, called Finding My Voice... just click on the cover below to learn more!