In a few days Brent will dump you. The coolest guy in school. A basketball star. And you will wonder if you should have let him. If you should have pulled the Kleenex from your bra and the bra from your body and let him.
But you didn't, and I know you feel like the last virgin standing —
but you're not. In two years you'll meet a man at Bible School--a place you said you'd never meet anyone because it's too cliche--who is waiting for you. Who's only kissed two other girls, who will wait six months to kiss you (his Dutch grandmother will kiss you on your lips before he does) and the only time you'll ever see him cry will be when you tell him what you've done with other boys.
He'll cry because he wants to marry you. And even though you didn't ever let anyone make it home, they still tried to round the bases. And he's waited his whole life to hold your hand...
(for the rest of this post, please join me over HERE at Prodigal, friends... thank you! and please join us TOMORROW for imperfect prose! the prompt this week is "mother.")
Oh sweet emily. So beautiful. Thank you.
ReplyDeletehis grandmother will kiss you first...haha...i dont know how a younger self might take that...smiles...you have a great story em...
ReplyDeletethank you, friend :)
DeleteBEAUTIFUL and so true it is hard to tell the young ones to wait when all the world screams at them to not.
ReplyDeletei too know how hard it is to be real with students. to talk to them about life and love and sex. we do it every year for A MONTH and it doesn't get easier with the speaking. i applaud you darling! for being real about life...loving you em!
ReplyDeleteYes, I know what it is to miss not waiting to have sex within marriage. I never knew. No one told me.
ReplyDeleteKeep telling them. Please
Carol H
Oh Carol. How I ache for you. I will keep telling them. So much love. e.
DeleteThis is such wonderful encouragement, Emily. Thank you for sharing the vulnerable parts of your heart.
ReplyDeleteSo appreciate your encouragement, Margaret! Thank you for stopping by! Bless you. e.
DeleteI posted a reply (an addition, really) to my original post on this article on Prodigal, and it disappeared. Do you know why?
ReplyDeleteoh no, i have no idea... i'm so sorry... are you able to repeat what you said here?
Deletedear sweet emily, I bawled my way through this.
ReplyDeleteprecious. precious.
I really felt as if you knew a part of me .. over to the full post now..
ReplyDeleteMuch love !
Fabulous, Em!
ReplyDeleteyou bring Him glory [:
ReplyDelete-xoxo-
When I told our youth minister whom I worked with at the time that I waited until I was married, it prompted him to ask me to teach a sex ed study to the Sunday school youth...I think they knew way more about "stuff" than I did but I managed through it. While I felt a tad bit uncomfortable talking with them I really felt that they wanted/ needed to talk about and share their thoughts.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing, thanks.
Such beauty. Such truth. My spirit agrees, and I'll keep telling them too.
ReplyDeleteThank-you for your visit to chris fabry today 1.24. I have been bulimic for over 15 yrs. This is a daily struggle for me. Part of me isn't even sure that I want to get better. Yet, I pray for Jesus to hold my hand through this process! thank-you for all you do!
ReplyDeleteEmily,
ReplyDeleteI have been an inconsistent reader of your blog, but this is the first time I've ever posted a comment. I am sorry to do so anonymously, because I generally think that's a cowardly thing to do, but I think after reading the whole thing you will understand why.
I cried, reading your post. Like you, I grew up clinging tightly to my virginity, because I was told over and over again by my parents, youth pastors, and speakers at church camp that it is one of the most wonderful, beautiful gifts I could give to my future spouse. That sex with someone I was not married to would be like stealing from my one-day husband. That if I lent my vagina to another boy, they would have a piece of my heart forever and I would be damaged goods. Forgiven, yes, but still not the *ideal*. I was determined not to have sex because cleaning words like dirty and purity were associated with the act unlike other kinds of sin, so I assumed it was particularly bad. And--and this is the most important part--I was told that sex was an AMAZING gift from God...provided it happened within the context of marriage. I guess I internalized the implicit message that sex would be good, if I saved myself for the right guy, at the right time.
When I was in my early twenties, I met a wonderful boy, and the two of us fell desperately in love. Both virgins, we were committed to wait to consummate our relationship until our wedding night because we both wanted to please God more than anything. I must say, it was a HARD promise to keep. We were horny....all the time. Despite the difficulty, I new it would all be worth it in the end. We did all the things a good Christian couple is supposed to do before they get married: we went to pre-marital counseling, read all the Christian marriage and sex books recommended to us by well-meaning friends and family members, prayed together, and had lengthy conversations about our expectations regarding sex. Over and over again, I was told by counselors, book authors, and by my fiance himself that sex is considered a man's biggest desire and need within a marriage. No problem there--not only had I done things God's way, but my fiance made me feel like a goddess, he wanted me so badly. I entered marriage confident that I could fulfill my wifely role in that way, and very, very excited to share the gift of my sexuality with the man I'd been saving it for for so long.
--cont.
About a month into our marriage, however, my husband completely lost interest. Completely. He rarely initiated, and almost always ignored or rebuffed my attempts to initiate. I cannot tell you how devastated I was--how much of a failure I felt as a woman and as a wife. I tried everything I could to seduce him, catch his interest. I tried being aggressive; I tried being subtle. I tried wearing revealing clothing while I did stuff around the house. I bought lingerie from all manner of genres, I ordered "toys" from skeezy internet sites, I scoured the web for seduction tips. I dyed my hair, spiraled headlong into the eating disorders I'd only previously flirted with. Sometimes, I would even drop to my knees apropos of nothing to give him an unsolicited blow job (despite not really enjoying it and despite the fact that he'd never shown an interest in trying to please *me* sexually) because I was just that desperate to be the one to please him sexually (as opposed to the strangers that appeared in his occasional porn-viewing adventures which he clearly preferred over me). We started fighting, and ultimately ended up in counseling. While there, we worked on the communication issues that were the result of the nasty fights about sex, and he worked on the porn thing. He quit (for the most part) looking at porn, and our communication improved greatly. . . but our sex life never did. I have tried to explain to him that this issue is important to me and that I really want us to work on it, he refuses to address it at all. I even suggested that maybe he had low testosterone and might want to see a doctor to get tested, but he insists his sex drive is just fine--after all, he still wants to look at porn, still gets aroused by other women walking down the street in shorts on a hot day, etc.
ReplyDeleteI have since come to the understanding that my value as a woman does not lie in my sexuality, despite the damaging misinformation I was given in my youth. In addition, I have also come to understand that I can successfully squelch my libido and not die. Nevertheless....
Nevertheless, I don't think I will EVER get over the fact that my husband does not want me. (The fact that I still want him--so much--adds a deep layer of humiliation to this mess.) I have this beautiful body that has the potential to both experience and deliver an immense amount of pleasure, and I am stuck with a man who is incapable of appreciating it. I know (or at least assume) that one day I will grow old and my interest in sex and physical intimacy will eventually wane, but even then, I know that every time I accidentally stumble upon some young couple who can't keep their hands off each other, I will feel a stab of regret that I don't have a memory like that to fondly reminisce over.
ReplyDeleteI regret saving myself. I do. I really, really regret it. If my husband and I had developed a sex life before we promised to spend the rest of our lives together, I might have caught the warning signs of a serious, serious problem. If I had had sex with someone else before my husband and I started dating, I might have known, at least one time, what all the fuss is about.
I am glad you had a good experience. I really am. I would not wish this heartbreak on anyone. BUT, I am telling you my story because I really think you need to hear it. My story may be unique in the details, but it is certainly not so in the generalities. I know way too many couples who did everything "by the Book" and were bitterly disappointed to find that married sex was not everything the church had promised it would be. And I fear that those people, like myself, will read this story and walk away feeling even more hurt because your beautiful love story is so far from theirs. And I also fear that young girls will read your story and it will further reaffirm the lie that their virginity is, like, the most.important.thing.EVAR! and that if they could only hold out, their love life will play out like a fairy tale. A story like yours is rare, and while I understand why you'd want to shout it from the rooftops, I really wish it had come with a "results not typical" disclaimer, and a "trigger warning" at the top of the page.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope you can understand why I felt the need to challenge it just a little bit.
--k
Oh, my dear K.... i'm so glad you told me your story. wow. i can understand completely why you regret waiting. this is so hard. so hard. i don't know what to say except, thank you. for your gracious response. for opening my eyes a little (a lot) and for being so faithful to your husband in spite of the pain of it all. i love how you still treasure yourself. how you call yourself beautiful. you are an inspiration, friend, truly. i hope one day you'll tell me your full name :) so much love, em.
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