i'm used to apologizing for them.
"i'm sorry about my wide Dow hips," i said as my friend slid into the sled beside me, both of us with babies on our knees and toddlers between our legs, children left and right and me voicing contempt for the body that bore them.
and then i corrected myself even as the snowmobile started and we moved down the track of snow. "i mean, i'm sorry about my beautiful birthing hips," i said, and my friend laughed.
and it's a start. i'm beginning to speak in love about myself. it's not perfect, but i'm not either, and God is and he is making new everything about me, spirit and body, even as i get older. because i've invited him in. i've invited him into my heart, and into my eyes. i've invited him into my soul and into my mouth.
because becoming a new creation is actually pretty literal. it doesn't mean feeling new. no, it means becoming new. it means God taking our old natural instincts and replacing them. it means him breathing spirit and life into our vision and our speaking and our thinking.
oswald chambers puts it this way:
“Our Lord never patches up our natural virtues, He remakes the whole man on the inside. The life God plants in us develops its own virtues, not the virtues of Adam but of Jesus Christ. Watch how God will wither up your confidence in natural virtues after sanctification, and in any power you have, until you learn to draw your life from the reservoir of the resurrection life of Jesus.”
i have a lot of days where i barely look into the mirror because i'm so busy looking into the faces of my children. i don't have time to look at my reflection, and yet my children always think i'm beautiful. "do you see the way kasher looks at you?" trent says. "with the utmost adoration."
and my boys see me at my physical worst: at my sweats and bathrobe, messy hair and sleep-worn eyes worst. they smell my coffee breath and my unwashed body and they snuggle closer. they keep their hands on my shoulder even as they play because they don't want to lose contact with me.
our depth of relationships, with ourselves, with our children, and with our creator, define our beauty, because relationships are eternal. they give us meaning and value and worth. the world wants us to think that appearance defines beauty because it can profit from that philosophy. it can't profit from something intangible, like love. only we can.
so i'm trying to speak kindly about my beautiful Dow hips, to stop apologizing for my existence. because this body gave birth to two boys, and it gives birth to marriage every day, and it bears spiritual life too.
i love my hips. i love my lips. i love my life. not because of who i am but because of who lives in me. and he is beautiful.
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Thank you for this write, my friend. I watch movies or women shopping and my mind is always thinking, "how much bigger am I than her?" or the other way around. Somewhere my mind cannot just appreciate my body for what it is and what it does. I need to read this post 100 times.
ReplyDeleteyou are perfect, friend. just the way you are.
DeleteBeautiful! Knowing who we are in Christ makes all the difference.
ReplyDeleteamen :) love you lori.
Deleteyes, oh yes. Beautiful because of Him Who indwells us!
ReplyDeleteand you are, friend. SO beautiful. how he shines in you.
DeleteWow if we could only learn to love ourselves, I think sometimes in the Christian arena we almost want to discount our beauty or minimize so much of it. Beauty is on many levels and even though parts of myself I personally don't like, God loves me and made me and for that it is important to remain thankful. You are such an encouragement.
ReplyDeletethis is so true, friend: "i think sometimes in the Christian arena we almost want to discount our beauty or minimize so much of it." let's celebrate our beauty, in the same way as we celebrate a piece of art.
DeleteLove this! So many of us struggle with our own image of ourselves. I think God also keeps His hand on our shoulders so He won't lose contact with us.
ReplyDeleteCarol
so lovely, carol... the idea that God keeps his hand on our shoulders. this makes me a bit weepy. :) xo
Deletebeautiful, em. i try to think of how i view my children's bodies. perfect in their flecks, rolls, or subtle bends. perfect for their warmth, their movement, for housing their souls. When i remember how i view them, i remember how to view myself.
ReplyDeletesigh. LOVE how you worded this. "perfect in their flecks, rolls or subtle bends." you have such a gift, friend. and yes. when i think of the miracle of my children, and their perfect little bodies, i remember how to treasure myself too. xo
DeleteAnd you write this on the day that I went to the store to buy elastic to sew into the too-tight waist-band of my corduroys because I can't find any new pants in my price range that fit my apparently too tall frame. Granted, these pants were too tight before twins, but still, it feels a bit demoralizing. A twin pregnancy turns a belly into such a sad little sack and I think in some way I feel like my body betrayed me by being capable of having twins. When I was pregnant, though, my husband sent me a article that said that having twins was a woman's body's way of "playing an evolutionary trump card" - a triumph of sorts, only I just want a nice little body that stays out of the way and fits in and doesn't try so much to do extraordinary things.
ReplyDeleteThe call to embrace an embodied life . . . I hear it . . . but it's a long, slow road.
oh, girl, yes. LOVE this honest anecdote. love beautiful you and how you gave birth to TWINS and what an amazing miracle. your body is such a gift. but yes, the call to embrace this life is a very long road. traveling it with you.
Delete"the world wants us to think that appearance defines beauty because it can profit from that philosophy. it can't profit from something intangible, like love. only we can."
ReplyDeleteThis is so brave and beautiful and true.
thank you dear friend. xo
Delete"the world wants us to think that appearance defines beauty because it can profit from that philosophy. it can't profit from something intangible, like love. only we can."
ReplyDeleteoh, sweet em. this is power in words.
i love when you write posts like this. really, i do. i'm still learning to embrace this body i'm in. it's a tricky thing for me, to love me.
friend, i'm still learning it too. that's why i write about it :) you're not alone. love you.
Deleteand I love your blog.
ReplyDeleteand my old, flabby self.
True words spoken here. :-)
and you write "purty."
sweet friend. i love you too. your beautiful, lovely self. xoxo
DeleteWhen I finally learned to look at the the pieces and parts of me, to see that God made a certain height, put in me the parts of my - personality, the quirks, the gifts, the humor - when I realized He put it all there, then I started looking at myself differently - and discovered the potential goodness of it all - and started liking myself, being content, seeing how it can all be used for good - and then understanding grace even more - and the ability to forgive myself when I do it wrong - because He knew I would struggle with doing it right:)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words, Emily. I so miss when all my guys were little and wanted me to sing, thought I could solve all their world's problems - it a time of exceeding grace when they are little! Blessings to you in this new year as you savor the dynamics of your family!
oh friend. this understanding grace more, as a result of learning to love ourselves... i get this. well said. and thank you for helping me to soak in these days of my children being young. love to you. xo
DeleteBeautiful, Emily! Bravo. I love every word... now to incorporate that into my own thinking so I can raise my girls with the seeds of this as well...
ReplyDeleteoh girl, i know. "now to incorporate that"... yes. it's much easier to speak it than to practice it. praying for you, even as i ask you to pray for me in this. xo
DeleteSuch a beautiful write, Em. So much wisdom.
ReplyDeletethank you friend... i've been asking God for wisdom. maybe he's answering my prayers. :)
DeleteHolla! This. Is. Worship.
ReplyDeleteLOVE what you said on facebook amy, on this post. i totally agree. this is worship.
DeleteI saw it this year in my face in the Christmas pictures and in what I wore. My boots would have looked so much better in the photo, but my comfortable Mary Jane's kept my feet happy and my limbs able to pick up the youngest grandchild. And it showed in everyone: mama (me) was relaxed; mama was going with the flow, mama was accepting of herself, which made it easier for them to be accepting too --of me and themselves. So my Jarvis' chunky legs showed up more in that comfortable skirt---the smile in my face averts the attention from them. We all look happy because we are truly having a wonderful time together and that is what matters.
ReplyDeleteThis post fills a tremendous need in women---thank you, dear Emily.
WOW. i love this beth. LOVE it.
Deletei was thinking of you yesterday. . . as i was fixing my hair and lamenting it's ten different personalities. and i said to myself, "would emily include hair in all that body image stuff?" and i wondered how i talk about my hair in front of my three girls and how that comes across to them. . .
ReplyDeletesigh. we are so quick to "deface" ourselves, aren't we? i've become so aware of what i project to my kids through your writings. thank you for that.
love to you,
steph
oh friend. i still struggle too, all of the time, so that's why i write about it. you are not alone. i think as long as we are TRYING to love ourselves, our kids will see that, and want to try, too. love you.
Deleteoh, thank you. thank you for writing this, emily.
ReplyDeleteyou're so welcome, sweet friend. xo
DeleteAnd to keep my hand on my Creator's shoulder while I play because I don't want to lose connection... oh yes, that's beautiful!
ReplyDeletei love how you paralleled this dear louise. you're such a kindred spirit. blessings.
DeleteNeeded this today. thanks, friend, for always being so real.
ReplyDeleteoh sweet kelli, i understand. praying for you.
DeletePerfection, Emily. I have a long list of hereditary and self-imposed flaws and frailties - and you know what? That is who I am. And this body, as badly as I have abused it over the years? It has served me well and I have lived a very full life inside it. We are embodied beings, purposefully so. Learning to embrace and accept that is such an important part of our journey. Thanks for this call to do exactly that. And Happy New Year, Emily.
ReplyDelete"i have lived a very full life inside it." LOVE this diana. LOVE you. beautiful you.
DeleteLOVE this post! It's so very true. I can't help but consider what the media tells us is attractive. Sad. Hubs and I have been watching old James Bond movies ('cause we're just cool like that!) and the women in those movies were lovely, with wide hips, curvy thighs, curvy everything--not a perfectly (read unnaturally) flat tummy amongst them. That is how He made women.
ReplyDeletewell, this makes me want to get to know you and your hubs (because you're definitely cool like that :))... and i totally agree about the women in those movies. gorgeous and curvaceous. when did we lose that?
DeleteGORGEOUS....that's what you are. And you help everyone around you feel and be gorgeous too. I am going to love getting to know you. Blessings!
ReplyDeletei already love getting to know YOU, lorretta. thank you for all of your encouragement friend.
Deletethis is really powerful. I was just thinking today, and i don't know why it took me so long to have the thought pattern consciously, but I was thinking how my body has let me down. Maybe disappointed me would be a better way to put it. Not just in appearance issues, but in other ways. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because it's done a lot of good. Thinking on the disappointments honestly, though, felt freeing. So does this post. I'm going to write down the final two paragraphs to remember, although I guess I should replace the part about birthing two boys with birthing three girls:) The One who lives in me isn't disappointed--I want to remember that!
ReplyDeleteoh amy, i totally understand this. i find there is such power in turning those negative thoughts into thoughts of appreciation. into thanking my limbs for helping me through the day, etc. so much love to you.
DeleteOnce as I was in a death struggle about my "looks" I looked up from bended knees to read the Word which turned out to be Ps 139 - I did not go there on purpose - God told me I was beautiful there, that He made me that way (and all my sisters too), and though it took a little time of repeating His very own words to myself, it didn't take as long as I would have thought to really, really believe them; and I have never looked back and even now in my greying days, I still do. All of us as women can read His word, believe it, silence the lies, and finally breathe; smile and breathe deep!!
ReplyDeleteI did mean to thank you for writing on this issue - it is so relevant to us as women - we need to hear more about this and you write about it so well!!
Deleteoh friend, thank you so much for sharing, and for encouraging me too... i love how God has revealed his love to you. blessings, e.
Delete"voicing contempt for the body that bore them." Now *that* is a persective I've never had before. Thanks for the reminder and the TRUTH.
ReplyDeleteYour 3rd-to-last paragraph is perfect. All this is perfect. :)
thank you so much dear monica. it's all God, speaking through me. i'm still learning all of this. love to you.
DeleteIt is amazing that God speaks so clearly and personally to us through children. I so wish that my friends and daughters could know there own beauty in the way that your children know yours.
ReplyDeleteWhat Trent said about the way Kasher looks at you is just so lovely! Your babies don't love you because of or in spite of the way you look, they love you because of your heart and the way you love them more than the sun and the moon. Your boys couldn't care less if you were perfectly, stunningly beautiful, or if you had one leg, terrible acne, and were striped green and purple. If you looked like that, and still loved them the way you do, they would still love you the way they do.
ReplyDeleteHandsfull