i'm used to apologizing for them.
"i'm sorry about my wide Dow hips," i said as my friend slid into the sled beside me, both of us with babies on our knees and toddlers between our legs, children left and right and me voicing contempt for the body that bore them.
and then i corrected myself even as the snowmobile started and we moved down the track of snow. "i mean, i'm sorry about my beautiful birthing hips," i said, and my friend laughed.
and it's a start. i'm beginning to speak in love about myself. it's not perfect, but i'm not either, and God is and he is making new everything about me, spirit and body, even as i get older. because i've invited him in. i've invited him into my heart, and into my eyes. i've invited him into my soul and into my mouth.
because becoming a new creation is actually pretty literal. it doesn't mean feeling new. no, it means becoming new. it means God taking our old natural instincts and replacing them. it means him breathing spirit and life into our vision and our speaking and our thinking.
oswald chambers puts it this way:
“Our Lord never patches up our natural virtues, He remakes the whole man on the inside. The life God plants in us develops its own virtues, not the virtues of Adam but of Jesus Christ. Watch how God will wither up your confidence in natural virtues after sanctification, and in any power you have, until you learn to draw your life from the reservoir of the resurrection life of Jesus.”
i have a lot of days where i barely look into the mirror because i'm so busy looking into the faces of my children. i don't have time to look at my reflection, and yet my children always think i'm beautiful. "do you see the way kasher looks at you?" trent says. "with the utmost adoration."
and my boys see me at my physical worst: at my sweats and bathrobe, messy hair and sleep-worn eyes worst. they smell my coffee breath and my unwashed body and they snuggle closer. they keep their hands on my shoulder even as they play because they don't want to lose contact with me.
our depth of relationships, with ourselves, with our children, and with our creator, define our beauty, because relationships are eternal. they give us meaning and value and worth. the world wants us to think that appearance defines beauty because it can profit from that philosophy. it can't profit from something intangible, like love. only we can.
so i'm trying to speak kindly about my beautiful Dow hips, to stop apologizing for my existence. because this body gave birth to two boys, and it gives birth to marriage every day, and it bears spiritual life too.
i love my hips. i love my lips. i love my life. not because of who i am but because of who lives in me. and he is beautiful.