last night trent and i fell asleep together on the couch during a sitcom. trent never falls asleep during a show.
the night before that, i fell asleep at the supper table.
it's been a long week. joey started pre-school, and i'm a mess because i'm trying to fill the role only a mother can fill, packing snacks and advice and taking photos and deep down knowing our time is nearing.
and i'm tired, friends.
nine months since we took these two in, and that's the length of time it takes to grow a child. and at the end of it all, you're ready to deliver.
and we're feeling the strain. of wanting the old back, but aching for these children whose mother isn't making the effort. we learned recently she's been hurting them when they go home for the occasional weekend, and i told her no more of this back and forth. i told her we need to either adopt them ourselves, or find another Christian couple who will.
and i don't think we can adopt them.
for awhile i did, even though, with our boys combined, they're ages 1, 2, 3 and 4.
i wanted to be their savior, but i can't even stay awake at the supper table.
i wanted to love them as much as i love my own two and to have enough space in my life for them, God being my helper, but i don't think it's best for them. or for aiden, who's been clinging a lot lately.
so we're all kind of strained, the house grown small, the walls snug and it's time. metamorphosis. so, will you pray for us around here? that joey and jin can have a mother and a father of their own, who love them as their own?
part of me feels as though i've failed but then there's the other part that says, i didn't. because i gave all i could and then some, and each day it gets harder, somehow, to care for everyone. each day i grow a little more weary.
and each day i realize, it's not about me succeeding or not succeeding. it's about them. it's always been about them. i want to do right by them, and sometimes, that means letting go.
so will you pray? ((thank you))
Lord, come by here.
amen.
Oh Emily. My heart aches for you. I will sincerely be praying for you and all your boys. It's about them-and their true Redeemer. He will not let them fall. Much love.
ReplyDelete"it's about them and their true redeemer." thank you misty. you are right. it's not about us. he uses us, in spite. love you.
DeleteOh girl, i will be praying for them, and for you guys, and I think you are really following the heart of God -- obedience is the best sacrifice ... sometimes it takes more maturity to know when to let go, then to keep hanging on for dear life =) Keep the faith, and keep loving them!! Just because they may find a new home, doesn't mean you can't still love their little hearts =) even if it's from a distance!! HUGS!!!!!!!! (and love)
ReplyDeletea.
this is so reassuring, sweet amy. thank you for speaking to my heart. and you're right--we can still love them from a distance. just like i love you from a distance :) xo
DeleteEmily - my heart breaks for all of you. You have been, are, and will be an amazing mama to them - even if their location changes. Praying for the right timing and doors to open for this situation. Praying that those boys would constantly feel not only your love, but the love of The Father - for all their days.
ReplyDeleteoh amanda, this is the perfect prayer. yes, may they always know the father's love... xo
DeleteYou have loved them and shown them what love looks like, I call that success.
ReplyDeleteCatherine Denton
catherine, thank you. i forget this sometimes. love is what matters. thank you. e.
DeleteOh, Emily what a place to be. But you have been faithful, and THAT is success! The seeds you and Trent have sown so abundantly in the lives of these two souls will reap a bountiful harvest THROUGHOUT their lives because of the ONE who brings life from a dead seed. HIS will for them is perfect, and NOTHING can thwart HIS plans. Prayers for wisdom, rest, peace that passes understanding, and joy. XO
ReplyDelete... because of the one who brings life from a dead seed. oh kim. i've missed you. you have a way of saying things so perfectly. love you.
DeletePrayers on the way, Emily...this is a hard, long road. Forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteyes, becky. this brings tears. i need to forgive myself, to show more grace. thank you. xo
DeleteThis is beautiful, God-given wisdom, sister. You have seen what so many adoptive parents fail to see: We aren't saviors. Adoption has to make sense for everyone involved (which is why it's called a "match"), and you're so, so right: It has to be all and only about the kids. You've loved them so well, friend. I'm so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteadoption has to make sense for everyone involved... yes. yes. this. thank you kim. for being proud of me. for loving me. xo
DeleteOh, friend...Oh. It's a hard road, it just is, and I have no magic words to make it easier or make it hurt less. Just this, that you've done what you were called to do and you said your 'yesses' when God called you to say them and sometimes He needs you to say 'no', too. Praying for that family, the one God has for them, the one that needed you to be here these nine months in order for His perfect timing to come around. And, if you feel like it, email me? We've been in the same places, and I don't know many (any?) others who have...I will be praying that things fall into place soon, in such a way that there is no room for doubt or regret.
ReplyDeletesometimes he needs us to say no... oh friend, this is wisdom. yes. thank you. love you.
DeleteOh Em. My heart aches for you, and I admire your bravery. You are being wise in your obedience, as you let go for the good of these boys you love. This is your sacrifice, your servitude, and you have done well. Jesus has those boys, as they prepare to find new arms. You will always love them, love their hearts, and you will always be a key part of their story.
ReplyDeleteJesus has those boys... sweet ashleigh, thank you. thank you for reminding me of this. why do i always forget? love you girl.
DeleteI love your wisdom - and your compassion. I love your courage to not be their saviour and to choose the wise path for you all. I am praying for the perfect mum and dad for the boys. Sometimes we are called to loook after for a lifetime, and sometimes it's for a season - and there is grace in that too. But oh- I am feeling with you the ache and the complexity of emotion. Prayers, friend. Xx
ReplyDeletetanya, you are such a soul sister. thank you, for feeling with me, so deeply. love you.
DeleteWe fostered a little boy in China, always knowing that he would go eventually to another family. We felt that is was the best for him as he has special needs that require a young family.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, and yet....I miss that little guy every day! In so many ways he is our son and yet he is not our son. It's a hard and painful road made with hard decisions. I'll be praying for your little men and for you.
thank you sandy. it certainly helps to know we're not alone. i love what you did for this little boy. e.
DeleteHi Emily - we've never met but we share a mutual friend who has kept me up to date with what's going on with you and this situation. It is such a struggle, knowing that we are to care for the widows and orphans and yet wondering if it is damaging to our own families and ourselves. So here are my prayers for you. That you are able to fully and completely rely on God's strength and wisdom--both to get through today (supper naps and freezer bedrooms included) AND for what is to come (in your family, or out of it). That God would speak clearly to the family of these boys (whoever that is). It is so trite, but God never gives us what He can't handle. Try not to be too hard on yourself. The fruit from these 9 months (and whatever happens now) will be HUGE.
ReplyDeleteoh friend, thank you--for speaking into my heart this way. for being so encouraging. it means the world to me right now. love e.
DeleteEmily, thank you for your honesty. You are always brave and real in everything you write.
ReplyDeleteAnd you give these little boys an amazing gift, yourself! Jesus has touched them and loved them through you for these last nine months.
I have prayed for you all and will pray still friend :)
My Father has bi polar + other mental health issues so I know how hard it is to grow up with a parent who is struggling hard to survive themselves!
It is a hard, hard situation, and there are no easy fixes. Thank you for never skirting around or white washing issues like this.
Do you know that you inspire me!
Can't wait to read your book.
xx
oh friend. you inspire me too. and i am so sorry for the sorrow you experienced with your own father's illness... you're right. there are no easy fixes. there is only Jesus. love you so much. xo
DeleteOh my friend. My heart lunges at your post! The beauty of you taking them in. But then...the strength, and courage, wisdom, and love it takes....to let them go. We always say around here, "When you love someone you always do what is best for the other person." Trusting God knows exactly who will one day be these children's parents. And that with His supernatural grace and assurance He will walk your whole family through this birthing of a new season. Making you all better people...because you chose, for these 9 months, to love these children. Trust me, my sister...They are and will be changed. Forever. Because of it. Thoughts, prayers, & lots of love sent your way.
ReplyDeletei love you jen so much. you are a well of grace and beauty. thank you for this. xo
DeletePrayers for direction, comfort, rest, and freedom from guilt for you. You will know what to do, and I pray for swift resolution for you, too :)
ReplyDeletethank you so much, lori. this means the world to me. a swift resolution would be wonderful :)
DeleteYou have been amazing and now you are releasing these precious boys into the hands of the one who loves them best! They will be safe. You will make sure of that.Blessing to you all Love kathleen
ReplyDeletethe one who loves them best... i have to trust this. thank you kathleen.
DeleteEm. Oh, my. Such a hard point to be at. You have done so well, you and Trent. You have been faithful. And you are STILL being faithful for seeing, and speaking, the limits of what you can and cannot do. So I am praying for you both, for all four of those boys and for the family who will bless those two small ones who need the kind of stability that you have given them these last 9 months. Oh, Lord - raise up a mom and a dad, maybe even some older siblings - the ones that are perfect for these two precious ones. And give Em's heart peace, peace, peace.
ReplyDeleteyes, Lord, please. amen, amen. ((thank you))
DeleteYou have shown them a whole new way of living.. a way full of love and grace and truth and mercy, even when exhausted and worn out. There is no failure in any of that. They will forever be changed by what you and Trent, and your boys have offered these two beautiful children. Oh for peace for you; peace for hard decisions; peace for hard emotions....praying always for you, always!
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, just based on my career, I have seen it. I have seen children in such amazing foster homes, with people who love them deeply but know-just know they can't do forever, not in the everyday sense-although they can do forever in their hearts, and they have made those gut wrenching decisions and I have walked into homes and moved children amidst tears by children AND adults, into homes that are just waiting for this exactly-what they have been praying for. and there are still tears... but I visit a little later, a check in, and the rooms are settled, and they met a friend next door and they are swinging in the backyard and they are OKAY. They really are. They are exactly where God has intended them to be.
You can do this, whatever THIS looks like for you!
Suzin
oh suzin, thank you for this. for your caring and understanding heart. e.
DeleteJust want you to know that I will be praying and trusting that God will always show you the next step. Take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves.:) You inspire me Emily and you have done such an amazing ministry in the lives of these precious boys. I will repeat from the commenter above. . You can do this, whatever THIS may turn out to be my friend!
ReplyDeletethank you danelle. your prayers are greatly coveted. xo
DeleteEm, I've been there. I was Mom to a whole group home of foster care rejects, basically. It was the hardest job. No, it wasn't rewarding or fulfilling (why must people ask that?). Saying goodbye was the most difficult day of our lives. Broken teenagers all huddled together on the kitchen floor, inner city youth crying louder than the toddlers. It's so hard, but you've done so much and you shouldn't have any regrets or what-ifs. They will remember you forever, even if it's a fuzzy, forgetful, blurry around the edges kind of memory. They will remember, and will have known, love.
ReplyDeletethank you for sitting me in this broken place, melyssa. love you.
DeleteOh the labor of love...no one can go through it and not be changed forever. It's designed that way by the One who claims that four-letter word as His very own name.
ReplyDeletePraying for all of you. If it's by design, I pray when your paths split, all will see what still remains. The very thing that started it all. . .
love and hugs and rest to you...
"the very thing that started it all." love this nikki. thank you.
DeleteI wish I could think of something good to say. But I sit here, reading this, all sorts of sobbing and not even knowing what for. So I pray for you, and for them, and for all the families interconnecting.
ReplyDeleteoh brenna. the holy spirit was praying through your sobs. you don't know how this comforts me more than any words could. thank you.
DeleteThere is nothing to add to all the above comments... you know in your heart that there will be a family more able to give love to these children, you and Trent have done so much to restore their faith in God and other human being.... be glad you had the chance to give them a little loving time, and do not feel guilty when they go to another family as their own mother is not capable of looking after them... what a terrible situation, you are amazing for being there in their greatest need, and with the help of Trent and God, you will find another solution to their problems... Your need is for your own family and your husband.. God Bless, hugs from across the pond.. J
ReplyDelete"your need is for your own family." i certainly feel this way right now, janzi. thank you for understanding my heart. bless you.
DeleteI can only imagine how difficult this must be. Lean back and rest your head against His shoulder.
ReplyDeleteoh i love this diane. leaning...
DeleteFriend...my heart aches for you. I don't know your feelings. They are yours alone. But I know how your words remind me of my own feelings, and my own story. We were *foster* parents to eight teenage boys for a short while...nine months, one academic year...while they attended school in our very vanilla suburb, coming from a very metro New York. Nine months was a strain on our marriage and our family and ourselves and our son was just starting Kindergarten. It was an awful year. But awesome, nonetheless. I still sometimes feel like a failure because of our decision to call it quits after one (academic) year. I still get sad. I still minimize our experience and our role and our presence in those boys lives. I think about the boy who was sent home the year after we left. (and I'm going to write about it all next week, I think.) I wanted to save them. Just as I want to save my husband from his moments of darkness. And my son from my fears. And myself from all my fears and control. But...we can't. And we'll never know the extent of our influence. But most importantly...we were willing and God used it and that's all that matters. When we know it's time to step aside, our willingness to be obedient to that is worship, too. It's important. So necessary. (I could go on...and again, wish we could visit over tea...) {hugs} and love. Truly. xxx your honesty here, poured out...it's worship. It's love for Him.
ReplyDeleteoh friend, wow. it helps to know i'm not alone. EIGHT? wow. that's amazing. i can see why it was hard. but it's incredible, the strength God gives you... xo
DeleteYour post is so moving. I am praying.
ReplyDeletethank you ND.
DeleteOh, Em...I'll be praying for God's perfect will. Then, and only then, will we know that things will turn out for the best.
ReplyDeletethat's the perfect prayer. thank you donna. xo
DeleteI will pray for you and with you. You have not failed them. You have done your part. I will pray for God's chosen parents for them to come knocking at your door . . . soon.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
for God's chosen parents... love this melanie. thank you friend.
DeleteI am praying with you Emily. God demands our obedience and that does mean sacrifice at times, but we are not saviors and He will make a way. Sometimes we don't see it and all we can do is petition the Lord for the wisdom to know what is right. My heart aches for you in this tired place when it all seems a blur and answers aren't clear. "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19
ReplyDeletethis verse calms me. thank you so much alia.
Deletepraying for you, with you. yes Lord, come by and stay.
ReplyDeletethank you nic. i love you friend.
DeletePraying for God to bring just the right couple for them, a match truly made in heaven. Praying for you too, Em, for no condemnation to creep in. Love to you, and oh, how did you love your visit our beautiful Oregon coast?
ReplyDeletei definitely did, friend... it was a whole month ago, now (the post didn't run until this week, but i wrote it when i was attending the wild goose festival at the end of august in oregon)... i miss it.
DeletePrayers for all as you walk through this.
ReplyDeleteoh susan you are so faithful. i know your heart is full of the holy spirit. bless you.
DeleteOh, Emily! YesI I understand. The journey getting us to foster care has been one of self-imposed waiting and taking baby steps because I have to know my limits. To know that I am "ready" or as ready as I NEED to be to be what I need to be for the babies in my home.
ReplyDeleteYou know yourself and God does not ask more of us that what is right for all involved.
I pray with you right now that these boys will find their FOREVER parents soon! And that you and your love will have peace...with no guilt.
their forever parents... yes, lindsey. this is what i long for. thank you for your heart.
DeletePraying for them and for you, Emily. I pray for peace for you and Trent. I pray for a family for those sweet boys. And the best part is God already knows what their forever family looks like. Love you.
ReplyDeletethank you friend. he already knows. i rest in this. xo
DeleteOf course I'll pray. The Father has a plan - it is always a good plan.
ReplyDeletethank you sweet linda. you're right. it's always a good plan. xo
DeleteDear Father God,
ReplyDeleteThank you for how you have provided for Jin and Joey, and I pray you will provide just the right parents to adopt them. Please guard Emily's heart from any guilt, and help her to know how much good she has already done, and as she said, she is not their savior. We don't know what your plan is but we know you will provide. Please strengthen Emily and Trent, and let them know your peace...provide for their boys what they need.
Love and hugs to you.
I've been following your story for a while and have so much respect for the way you've opened your life to us. Thank you. Praying for abundant wisdom and discernment as you move forward.
ReplyDeletedear jill, thank you so much for this encouragement today. thank you for accepting my story and for loving me through it all. i'm so very grateful. e.
DeleteOh, Emily. I am praying. May God give you strength and bring you an army of help as a couple emerges to adopt. Love to you.
ReplyDeletean army of help... oh christine, this is what we need. i have tears in my eyes. thank you friend. love you.
Deletei just wanted to let you know, your prayers are being answered. trent's whole family is stepping in to help us right now. thank you Lord. xo
Deletelove is often about letting go, friend,
ReplyDeleteand i understand the ache so well.
i gave up my first baby girl for adoption
when i was 16
and have felt the empty space
in my arms and heart
for 34 years since....even with three
beauties of my own
to have and to hold.
we have to let all of our children go
in some way,
eventually
in order for them to fly
and there is grace enough....God enough,
for thriving even in the painful inbetween.
praying and cheering wildly in your corner,
Jennifer
oh jennifer, my heart aches for you, for that empty place in your heart and yet, you did something so noble and brave and beautiful for your child... how hard though. and you have helped me tonight to understand what joey's and jin's mom must be feeling. thank you. love you friend. e.
Deleteoh emily...you have had your kids so much longer than the ones who came to stay with me for a short season. this tearing and ripping of a mother's heart...I have had to look to Jesus and know that I did what He called me to even though it wasn't keeping them, even though I can't see the end of the story...to trust that I've made a difference...other people say I have for sure...it doesn't feel that way, though...but I will trust Him and I will pray for you all. What a tough place to be. Press on.
ReplyDeletethank you sweet kathleen, for understanding and for praying for me. this means so much. i love you and your heart. e.
DeleteEmily - my heart breaks for you and I am praying for these boys and your family. God put a strong calling in your heart and you followed that divine urging faithfully. Interesting that He gave you 9 months and in that time He knitted and formed new thoughts in their minds....new revelations of who Jesus is on the level of a child which is really the level he wants us all on. He used ya'll to share what new life in Jesus Christ looks like. You can hear about that all day long in Sunday School but when you become the recipient of Jesus' love in an earthly way it's different. It gives color to those Bible stories. And although they are children now and don't understand the full impact of ya'll providing for them during these 9 months, one day they will. One day they'll understand more of how that new life in Christ in ya'll impacted their own lives. I love that you don't question that God called you to this and you don't seem real confused. In fact, you seem confident with a heavy heart that God is guiding you in these next steps and ya'll are trusting that He will care for and provide for the boys He called you to carry for 9 months. Trusting with you and praying with you. Your family is an inspiration to my family!
ReplyDeletedear melody, you are so intuitive. it's true, we haven't questioned that God has called us to do this, not at all. but yes, it is with heavy hearts... your comment makes me feel so loved and understood. thank you for this gift tonight. love you, em.
Deleteyou are often in my thoughts. praying for you all, today...
ReplyDeleteoh leslie, i love you. how are you feeling these days? thinking of you too, friend. thank you. e.
Deleteemily, i am praying. fostering is still a magnificent sacrifice and need and grace. you are listening and following and being faithful. there is no should. xo
ReplyDeletesuzannah, thank you for this grace. i need it so badly right now. love you lady.
DeleteEmily, this is huge!
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard, hard thing to make that decision, but well done. Well done for knowing when to step up and provide for the needs you see, and equally well done for knowing when the season of meeting those needs is over.
I so understand. The guilt, the fear, the peace, the relief... and still keeping on keeping on just a while longer because the end isn't yet.
Praying for you and all of your precious boys, that God moves quickly and for grace and peace.
Handsfull
for grace and peace... oh friend. thank you. for embracing us all and lifting us up to God. bless you.
DeleteI think I've mentioned to you that my husband and I had the same agonizing decision with our foster daughter a couple of years ago. We ended up letting her move on to another foster family instead of adopting her. (Although that might not have been an option for us due to the many, many chances they kept giving her mom). But it was the hardest time of my life and hardest decision to make. It was only when I came to the end of myself, quit boxing God, and surrendered it all to Him that movement and clarity came. It did and sometimes still does feel like a failure, but God is redeeming all of it in our lives. I'm praying for you and your husband, Emily, that you'll sense clearly what God wants you to do ... and that sometimes it truly is "to let go."
ReplyDeleteOh Emily, praying God brings a home, a family, a mother and father into their lives. May you experience healing in the release. My mother's heart aches beside yours. I have a son who is adopted and two biological children. I am feeling a mommas heart achey at this, but GOD reigns over their lives. May it be abundantly clear to you that He will provide. Praying...with you for you alongside.
ReplyDeleteoh friend, i totally understand this mama-heart ache. thank you, for praying. may God's perfect will be done. bless you.
DeleteOh friend, yes.... I know. I really, really know. Us too -- we're right there with you. Praying for God's heaping love, for strength to withstand the rest of the time you all have together, for adoptive parents, for space and breath and renewal in your home. Love you, Emily.
ReplyDeletei love you too, cara. i have so much respect for you. thank you for walking this journey with me. love, e.
DeleteOh, Emily. There is such wisdom in knowing what's best for these boys, for your family, understanding your strengths and limits. I will surely be praying.
ReplyDeletesweet friend, thank you so much for these understanding words. for your prayers. it means the world to me. xo
DeleteI commented on Thursday's post and then came here and read this. Now I feel bad. I have been in this place where you are right now. I will pray and continue to pray.
ReplyDeleteoh amber, don't feel bad, sweet girl! thank you so much for your heart, for your love. it means the world to me. xo
DeleteI’ve walked in your shoes and let me say those shoes are painful and not pretty. My heart goes out to you. One miracle daughter. Failed infertility treatment. Fourteen failed adoptions. Thinking we finally would get the family we desired – dishonesty from case workers. 18 months we loved, cared, listened, cried, were frustrated, prayed, asked questions, and kept making appointments to get to the truth of his prognosis and condition. Such a difficult decision. All I ever wanted to do was be a mommy. I didn’t sign up for and was not capable of being a therapist 24/7 for a little broken by other humans in his life prior to us. Strangely, end of the year school choir the 4th grade sang a song about people being in our lives for “a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Clearly my season of being his mommy was over. We could not adopt – after 18 months of pursuing and jumping through the hoops. That was 2000. Just recently I saw someone from back then who had been praying to meet me to apologize for her judgment of me. She was now living my nightmare. And she had signed the dotted line. It was killing her, her husband, their daughter, relationships with all their friends who did not get it – the exhaustion, weariness of heart, mind and body, the frustration, the dashed hopes that “if I do just one more thing….”
ReplyDeleteAsking God what was the purpose of those 18 months – to get him the help he needed. “BUT WHAT ABOUT ME, GOD????? AM I CHOPPED LIVER???” Still no answers to those questions.
My heart breaks for you, your husband, other people close to you who have watched you disintegrate before their very eyes. How could two little children cause such commotion and chaos. My heart breaks for your children.
You are going on my visor in the car – where I’ll remember to pray. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you.
MaryKaye Wells
oh marykaye. you get it. you really do. thank you. and how my heart goes out to you... i can say without a doubt, you are not chopped liver. thank you for sharing these words of grace and love with me. thank you. and for putting me on your visor too. so much love. e.
DeleteOhhh Emily, I am THANKFUL you are being honest. I am THANKFUL you understand where your limit is and that you CANNOT adopt.
ReplyDeleteMy parents should have made the same decision, but they had it happen where they adopted me first - then surprise, my mom got pregnant at 42 . . . and they had their miracle baby. We were treated totally different. The bonding never happened. Relatives and others offered to take me, but they were too much in the public eye - it would not have looked good. Not until my husband and I eloped did they disown me. I tried thru the years for reconciliation. It was not to happen on this side of heaven. When my mom died, my name was not in the obituary. I attended the memorial service. My dad told me not to tell the guests who I was cuz most did not know they had another daughter (I moved to another state after graduating from high school to go to Christian college and was "gone" for over 25 years).
God has done major healing, and there is reconciliation with my dad. But rejection had been a part of my life. Still love those boys and help them with an adjustment. Be their "aunt" and "uncle" and I will pray for someone to love these little ones with a new love to help heal them.
Praying for you . . . praying for them. My heart aches for you both.
oh loni, i have tears... i ache for you, for that little girl that just longed to be loved... the lack of bitterness in your voice is such a true testimony to Jesus in your life. thank you for sharing your story with me. you have helped affirm for me that we are making the right decision. and thank you for praying for these boys. they mean the world to me, in spite of everything. love you so much loni. xo
Delete