Friday, October 5, 2012
when you realize you can't adopt
last night trent and i fell asleep together on the couch during a sitcom. trent never falls asleep during a show.
the night before that, i fell asleep at the supper table.
it's been a long week. joey started pre-school, and i'm a mess because i'm trying to fill the role only a mother can fill, packing snacks and advice and taking photos and deep down knowing our time is nearing.
and i'm tired, friends.
nine months since we took these two in, and that's the length of time it takes to grow a child. and at the end of it all, you're ready to deliver.
and we're feeling the strain. of wanting the old back, but aching for these children whose mother isn't making the effort. we learned recently she's been hurting them when they go home for the occasional weekend, and i told her no more of this back and forth. i told her we need to either adopt them ourselves, or find another Christian couple who will.
and i don't think we can adopt them.
for awhile i did, even though, with our boys combined, they're ages 1, 2, 3 and 4.
i wanted to be their savior, but i can't even stay awake at the supper table.
i wanted to love them as much as i love my own two and to have enough space in my life for them, God being my helper, but i don't think it's best for them. or for aiden, who's been clinging a lot lately.
so we're all kind of strained, the house grown small, the walls snug and it's time. metamorphosis. so, will you pray for us around here? that joey and jin can have a mother and a father of their own, who love them as their own?
part of me feels as though i've failed but then there's the other part that says, i didn't. because i gave all i could and then some, and each day it gets harder, somehow, to care for everyone. each day i grow a little more weary.
and each day i realize, it's not about me succeeding or not succeeding. it's about them. it's always been about them. i want to do right by them, and sometimes, that means letting go.
so will you pray? ((thank you))
Lord, come by here.