I’m sitting in the airport, the sun rising, about to head out to the AACC conference and I miss them with a guttural ache.
The kind of ache only a mother can know, the kind that connects with an invisible cord, one that doctors can never sever, and they’re probably waking, now. My Aiden is walking into my room with his green bunny and his Thomas the Train pajamas saying “I snuggle Mommy” and Trent is pulling him close even as Aiden whimpers.
Kasher will be awake soon, too, and he’ll struggle out of Daddy’s arms and onto the floor and begin crawling to find me, to find the woman who knows his different cries: this one for milk, this one for sleep, this one just to be held.
And he won’t find me, because I’m gone, and it’s a guilt like no other. This mother guilt. But then I look down at my hands and fold them into prayer and remember that I’m not doing this for myself. I’m not doing this for the people at the conference either. I’m doing it for God alone. Because this is the message of the gospel: God loves us… so that we might share about that love with the world. And he loved me enough to save me from death, death from anorexia and death from sin and so now I live to share his love. Not only with my boys, but with the world.
And they may not find me right now, on the hardwood floor of our house crawling in their onesies and Trenton picking them up and hushing them quiet and feeding them toast and singing them songs. And it’s a guttural ache, it is.
But even if they don’t find me, may they always find God. May they never lose him.
Because in the end, it's the Father that leads us all home.
sharing with ann, laura, michelle, and jen
901. a safe trip home back into the arms of those sweet, dimpled children
902. a husband who wrote me the whole time i was away
903. a blogger-friend who took me out for blackberry cobbler in missouri and spoke to my soul
904. the beautiful reception of Chasing Silhouettes--oh, how you've blessed me, friends. thank you.
905. divine connections at the conference
906. this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ.
907. airplane passengers who prayed for me, for my book, for joey and jin
908. joey's and jin's mother being open to considering finding a christian couple to adopt her children (please pray)
909. hearing John Townsend speak on relationships while eating a delicious meal
910. snuggling with my babies when i got home at midnight
this guilt. yes. but also this speaking into others' lives....you are precious, emily. and a good, good mother.
ReplyDeletekendal, this means so much to me. so much. thank you.
DeleteI'll be going through this next week as I travel to CA. Your cause is noble. There are so many women (and men) who will be blessed by your strength and dedication.
ReplyDelete~ Wendy
oh wendy, thank you. it means so much to know you are making these sacrifices too. bless you as you travel.
DeleteMay His Grace abound to you as you serve as a conduit of His Love. May this be a precious time for Trent and the boys to enjoy each other and a time to recognize anew just what a gift they have in you. May His Truth go forth and set the captives free!
ReplyDeleteyou speak my heart in your prayers, anne. may he set the captives free. yes. yes. amen.
DeleteCheers for being brave...for following God’s heart...and letting Him lead...in your going...and in your staying...leaving all in His hands. Continue to seek the audience of One...and don’t let the pressures to build and audience crowd out the ONE. so proud of you...((hugs)) and love to you Em~
ReplyDeletei know that ache and guilt well.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet we can be absent with our children right beside us, right? I feel that guilt sometimes. The little girl is standing right beside me and I'm too focused on my iPhone to see her :(.you are doing God's work, Em, take great comfort in that. Your children are so blessed to have you. Have a very blessed week.
ReplyDeleteoh miranda this is so insightful. it's true. we can be absent with our children right beside us. thank you for pointing this out, friend.
Delete"But even if they don’t find me, may they always find God. May they never lose him." Yes. As I pray for my boys to return to Him, I need to remember it's not for me and for my happiness, but ultimately for theirs. Thanks, Emily.
ReplyDeleteoh georgi. joining you in this prayer, friend... yes, may they return to him...
DeleteAmen. And sometimes, there is a gift in the missing, for all of us.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love this: "And he loved me enough to save me from death, death from anorexia and death from sin and so now I live to share his love. Not only with my boys, but with the world."
ReplyDeletei felt this guilt for the first time when Jon and i went on a twenty-minute walk and left our sleeping baby in the arms of my mother. the whole time my heart bled, though all she did was sleep and barely noticed my absence. but bleed i did until i returned.
ReplyDeletei understand this now, brave mama. this is a gift. "even if they don't find me, may they always find God." oh, what a prayer for your boys, and for my girl.
oh girl, it means so much to know i'm not alone.
DeleteI know those achey momma hurts. May God's salve and balm wash over you, beautiful one. The prayer of your heart and lips is tender and lovely.
ReplyDeleteYour words are so beautiful and I love that song, we sing it at church and it is so awesome. take care and may God continue to bless you and your ministry.
ReplyDeleteYes, mother guilt. And, I hate to say this, but it NEVER goes away. My son is 25 and the mother guilt is strong to this day. Beautiful writing about a painful emotion
ReplyDeleteHappy to be your neighbor today at Multitudes on Mondays:))
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful list! So thankful all went well in Missouri and especially grateful for the friend who sensed you needed speaking into. That is surely a gift:))
hi stefanie! thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me today. bless you. e.
DeleteYou are doing God's work so leaving the children may be necessary for God to bless them in a special way while you are gone, a way that would not happen if you were there? I always choose to believe that when we are called to do the hard things God has something great in mind that we could not possibly predict or imagine.
ReplyDeleteWrite about it when you know what it is.
oh friend i LOVE this insight. that God might bless them in a special way while i am gone. thank you. this gives me such hope.
DeleteI hear your heart Em. I believe the Father will supply grace for the time you are away - for you; for them. He will never call you to do anything that would be harmful for your babies. He simply couldn't.
ReplyDeleteI love you sweet girl and am so proud of you. I'll be praying about the boys.
thank you sweet linda. i love you so much. and i feel your prayers holding me up right now. xo
DeleteI feel your ache, right now I am hundreds of miles from my own. I miss them terribly, but I know they are in good hands. It's probably the same for you, when you leave you know they are being taken care of, but it's still not the same as if you were there. Your doing good work, and I pray God will give you all you need to keep going and give you and the children peace when you must leave them for a little while.
ReplyDeletebless you em!
Oh dear, I know this ache. It goes deep, but you are doing what is good. I pray that your children feel your love and the love of Jesus as their daddy tends to them right now. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteDeep breath, always here.
ReplyDeletelove you friend.
DeleteDear Em,
ReplyDeleteoh, the ache of a mama's heart, and oh, the joy of being home again :)
thanks for sharing your story; I posted your story for the double giveaway of your book at http://soulstops.com/post/2012/10/01/Double-Giveaway-of-Emily-Wierengas-book-Chasing-Silhouettes.aspx
praying for Jin and Joey, and for your book to touch many hearts...sorry for not replying to your invite at LinkedIN...having problems...
Hugs,
Dolly
oh friend, no worries about linked in! and thank you SO much for helping promote the book. so much love.
DeleteWonderful news about the book reception! Beautiful words here, Emily. My heart breaks about Jin and joey's mom, that she is not going to take them back, or is not capable at this time. I am praying for a miracle.
ReplyDeletei know. it turns out she has bi-polar, and she has black-outs, and has been hurting the kids when they go home to her, so we really don't feel at peace about her having them anymore... it is heartbreaking, but we really want what is best for these children. please keep praying.
DeleteMy husband and I normally go to the AACC conference but went to the AACC Marriage conference last April instead. Now I wish I'd waited ... I could've met you face to face. Regardless, I'm so excited for your journey, Emily! We soooo need this resource to guide all of us who don't have a clue. :)
ReplyDeleteoh friend! i would have LOVED to have met you. i have such respect for the AACC... really, a tremendous organization. thank you for your encouragement beth. it means so much.
DeleteOh, just look at you :). So beautiful. And won't the coming home be so special? This is why we go away, I think. So the missing will teach us about love.
ReplyDeleteI'm having comment trouble, Em, but here I am--trying again :). Just to say, you look so beautiful surrounded by your books. And doesn't the going away make the coming home so much sweeter? LOve to you.
ReplyDeleteoh friend, i agree... the going away makes the coming home so sweet. love you.
DeleteIts always comforting and inspiring to read you !
ReplyDeletebless you :)
See you again for imperfect prose.