the final imperfect prose on thursdays: in which i'm afraid of people (and another book giveaway!)

you wouldn't know it for the way i smile.

but then i turn to swallow and wish i'd brought a book to the potluck.

it's the thing i find hardest about church: the people-part, and if it was all God, then i think i'd be okay. but who is God without his people? a cover without a story.

we are his story. and i always read us the wrong way.

i smudge on makeup and i fuss with my hair then squish on a hat. and i am so glad to have four children to hide behind. but when they all run off, i'm left standing in my thrift-store jeans and insecurities. trying to make small chat when my mind is bored by the weather.

you wouldn't think it for my stretched ears and tattoos, but i'm actually quite frightened.

i stumble over my perception of myself and am stuck in that school girl's body, the one chased around the playground, the one teased for being home-schooled and eating weird sandwiches and laughing too much.

why is it we can never outrun our past? perhaps because our past is, in fact, not moving... we simply keep returning to it, when in fact we need to turn around. to repent, and head straight into the arms of our own forgiveness.

i like to picture Jesus with dreadlocks. kind of like a man-version of anne lamott.

so that even as other mothers' children sit primly in their seats while mine strip down in the middle of the picnic and pee, i can turn to my savior-friend and know that i am never, actually alone.

and he knows what i look like without my makeup.

and he calls me beautiful.

~~~~

(in honor of our mess, friends, i'd like to offer a giveaway today, of my friend nicole unice's wonderful book, she's got issues: seriously good news for stressed-out, secretly scared control freaks like us... to win it, please state, in the comments something you wish other people knew about you)

also over at The High Calling today... won't you visit, here?

*please note: this is the final imperfect prose on thursdays for the summer. the sunny days are calling with their sweet winds and flower smells. we want to languish in the afternoons with our children and relax around campfires in the evenings, so we will see you around the bend, okay? first week of september, when the school buses blur yellow past the windows... we'll be here, waiting, for you.*

~we love that you're here. the goal of this online space is to create a broken church of sorts, a kind of community that celebrates each other's stories. with this in mind, would you consider commenting on at least ONE OTHER PERSON'S post after linking up today? thank you so much. e.~

1. link up a post (old or new) that you feel is 'broken' or 'imperfect' or somehow redemptive
2. put the 'imperfect prose' button at the bottom of your post so others can find their way back here (see button code in right-hand column of my blog)
3. read other's prose, and encourage them!
4. join us back here on friday when we'll highlight some feature posts from this week's link-up!

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*'yellow poppy' painting by e.wierenga; prints for sale here*