Neil C. Strait said, “The best gift a father can give to his son is the gift of himself – his time. For material things mean little, if there is not someone to share them with.”
In my own life, I learned this too late. This fall our eldest daughter, Emily Wierenga, is publishing an autobiographical book about her battle with an eating disorder, Chasing Silhouettes. I am very proud of her accomplishment as an author, but unfortunately some sections of the book reflect poorly on me. My daughter perceives that the lack of time and attention I gave her was a big factor in her developing anorexia, ‘starving for attention’ as it were.
She recalls this about the years between ages 9 and 13:
“Days filled with frowns, fierce yells and fists pounding against my father’s chest... Dad loved us by doing his job so well he put ministry before family. He’d kiss us on the cheeks early in the morning and lead Bible devotions and sigh when we asked him questions on Sermon-Writing day. I hated Sermon-Writing day. I got baptized at age eight because Dad said I should and I wanted to please him the same way I wanted to please God. I associated God with my father—a distant, unemotional man who said he loved me yet was too busy to show it. One year later, I realized that even though I’d gotten baptized, Dad still didn’t ask me how I was doing, not really, and so God still didn’t care. Not really.”
My preoccupation with my job (notwithstanding it was a ‘religious’ one) provoked my child to anger – exasperated her – caused her to become bitter and discouraged. I was pushing to go ‘faster’ in my career, at the expense of being a father. In our desperation to save our daughter’s life, we turned eventually to a Christian counsellor. Among other things, he asked me to describe my daughter in detail. I soon realized I didn’t know my daughter very well, couldn’t describe the uniqueness of her individuality because I hadn’t really taken the time or focussed my energy to get to know her.
The King James Version renders Ephesians 6:4, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” NURTURE – that’s what I was missing out in raising Emily. Being careful to ‘feed into’ her life. Taking time (as she notes) to ask her how she was doing – really.
Sigmund Freud didn’t follow Biblical wisdom in his practice of psychology, but he did nevertheless make some astute observations about human nature. He said, “I could not point to any need in childhood as strong as that for a father’s protection.” This Father’s Day – and all other days of the year when we’re tempted to go ‘faster’ rather than father – may the Lord help us slow down enough to treasure our children and truly nurture them, love into their lives, rather than embittering and exasperating them.
(my Dad is one of the most humble men i know, and while we still don't totally 'get' each other, we love each other deeply and foster a deep and nurturing relationship. you will find more of our story here, in a talk we did last summer at Hungry for Hope. happy father's day, friends!!)
(picture of my Dad, Ernest Dow, with my oldest son, Aiden Grey)
~feature posts from this week's link-up~
the substance, for father's day with love
get your grateful on
being Jesus to my kids
in which i'm real, tell quietly why i write
seeking real
spirits
love the truth that love brings.
ReplyDeleteIt's never too late to change and it sounds like your Dad is doing an admirable job of making amends. I didn't get along with my Dad at all. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after he passed away that I began to learn about and understand more of what was "really" going while I was growing up. It doesn't excuse the choices he made toward violence, but I'm better able to understand the why's of it. With age comes wisdom, or so they say.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletetoo many typos
DeleteI always remember that my dad was doing the best that he could do for me and I forgive any need I felt was not met. In kind, I am doing the best I can do for my child. I pray my mistakes and omission of care he may feel at some time will be forgive, as well. I always remember a quote from the movie Parenthood when the character played by Mary Steenburgen when she is holding her baby. She says something like, "I'm a perfect parent, now." The only time we can possibly be a perfect parent is just after our child is born and we haven't had a chance to make our first mistake. (1st mistake is typically made while trying to get the baby in the car seat for the ride home from the hospital. :))
ReplyDeleteamen :)
DeleteOh the ways that God redeems time and love and all things for His glory...
ReplyDeleteThank you for mentioning my post this week, I am humbled and honored
Dear Emily's Dad,
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is an incredibly loving young lady. You did, many, many things just right. Love to you all.
This is beautiful, and honest, and brave. I know it will reach out and help many.
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily for the honour of being 'guest post-er'. And thanks Christine for the reassuring words. Still trying to sort out which of Emily's many admirable qualities are BECAUSE of, and which ones are IN SPITE of, my imperfect parenting!
ReplyDeletelove you dad.
DeleteIt takes a humble man to write those words. I have only deep admiration for both of you.
ReplyDeleteAll I am thinking right now is Romans 8:28. . God taking all things and making them good for those who love Him.
ReplyDeleteAnd wanting to hug your dad for being so transparent and honest here. I can see what a good man he is.
Now you are both traveling the "good". Emily writing a book about her journey that will speak to the heart of so many who have struggled or are struggling. Lives changed.
This is the beautiful. This is the "good". So good.
And thank you, Emily, for featuring my post this week. Tears here.
The Gungor song "Beautiful Things" started playing in my head as I read this :) Making beautiful out of our pain and not sure how God is going to use it, but that He will.
ReplyDeleteVery transparent post and such a blessing!
Oh Emily...what a gift your dad is...any man who can allow himself to be seen by others...now thousands in a bad light...a man who owns his failings is amazing. Not many dads will enter into the healing process with their children...God's mercy can reach us either way...but this is an extra special way. Just remember...you don't always have to get each other...but if you love each other...that is all that matters...because love does cover a multitude. I would love to give you dad a huge and tell him...well done...it's not what we do when we think we are right...but what we do when we see that we were wrong. Thanks for sharing this....xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWell this just about moved me to tears. I was wondering how your dad felt about what you've written, and what a testament to his character that he can see it this way. You are inspiring healthy relationships here, Emily. Thank you for being brave.
ReplyDeletethank you so much courtney. i'm sorry i nearly made you cry. but thank you for your honesty and love. xo
Deletethank you for your transparency and honesty and hearts poured open, ernest and emily. what a beautiful gift to the rest of us. i do so love redemption. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHi Ernest, Thanks for guest posting. I relate this well. I remember seeing your and Emily's talk from the video last summer I believe is when I saw the video and first heard Emily's story. I was moved, it was relatable, I related to Emily's story as well as I could see my own father in what you were saying.
ReplyDeleteI've read somewhere, that a father provides a protective covering, both physically and spiritually. If God isn't in our lives, we don't have that protective covering - and if our earthly father's aren't in our lives - well - there is no protection. I experienced it once - watched a father rail at a group of kids who stepped out of line with his daughter. I didn't have a dad do that when they stepped out of line with me - I had to fight to protect myself. I never want my kids to feel unprotected.
ReplyDeleteI guess that is why I think it is so awesome, how you have loosened the elastic surrounding your family to make it large enough to include more - because you are providing that covering, that protection:)
What an awesome Dad who might not get it right always but never gives up on trying.
em's dad: thank you for your humility and love. your words here feel like grace to me, make me grateful for my own pastor-dad.
ReplyDeletei knew we were kindred spirits in more ways than one :)
DeleteWhat humility,
ReplyDeletebeauty,
strength,
honesty,
and God-grande
things have
been shared here
this day.
Blessings.
oh Em, i always forget that you share the week's link-up--my humble thanks, really. i pray God always uses any good thing He's given for his glory. and i love the relationship between you and your dad. thank you for sharing. i came back to say, i will try to pre-order soon --i will think where it could be used best. but i for sure would be honored to have you do a guest post on my blog. email me, or i will email you--whoever gets there first. love you.
ReplyDeleteEmily, this really touches me because my mother was too busy being emotionally sick with a bottle to raise me and yet, she still blames me for all her problems. This post is so redemptive, such a gift. So thankful for the restorative work of Jesus that captures love and then gives it away. I have lost hope that that will ever happen for me and my mother, but smiling over here for you.
ReplyDeleteoh my friend, i had no idea. how very, very difficult. i'm praying for redemption, even now, for you, for her, even though you've lost hope. and the fact that you can smile for me, in spite? incredible, friend. love you. e.
Delete