I am sitting across from my blogger friend and her husband, in Tennessee. The walls are cumin yellow and there is a basket of limes and lemons in the center of the dining room table.
It's lush here. It's been raining and the leaves are the kind of green that sing, and her husband is asking me why I started blogging.
And I tell him about Mum.
I tell him about moving home from Korea six years ago to take care of her, while Trent finished up our contract and how I was all alone in Mum's and Dad's basement, Mum dying upstairs and I needed community. I needed friends. And I needed to process what I was experiencing.
"It began out of very pure motives," I say. "Out of the desperate attempt to connect. I had maybe five readers. My dad, my husband's sister, and a few other friends."
But it was enough. It was enough to tell me I wasn't alone, and then it became something more.
People started encouraging my writing, and I switched blog sites and I uploaded photos and it became more professional, and less pure. It became more about defining me and less about expressing me.
"It's kind of like church, this blogging thing," I tell him. "You can compare yourself to those around you, or you can celebrate your differences. You can look at someone and covet them and their 100,000 readers, or you can rejoice for them."
And then, I add, there are times when you just need to take a break.
We live in a world where virtual relationships earn intimacy at an alarming rate. All you have to do is click "friend" on Facebook and suddenly that person, whom you most likely haven't met, and may not even know, is privy to your life.
Nothing is private anymore. There is no sacredness to life because it's all a status on Facebook, or a Tweet, or a Pin or an Instagram, and "sometimes you just need to take a break," I repeat. "Because if you're not being fed by the living, breathing, physical love that's around you, in your children and your husband and your co-workers and neighbors and friends; if you're running to the internet before you've done your devotions in the morning; if you're eating breakfast while scanning Facebook instead of stepping out onto the deck with your coffee and listening to the birds sing, you've stopped living."
I don't want to stop living. I want my motives for blogging to be pure.
I want to use my blog to express myself, not to define myself.
So I'm taking a week-long break. There will be no Imperfect Prose this week. And I invite YOU to take a break too. To unplug, and re-charge.
I will still have friends hosting giveaways of Mom in the Mirror and will share about those giveaways; but for now, my own personal words will be audible ones, directed towards my husband and my children. Towards the very physical, very present, all too taken for granted humans that share my home for this short life.
Let's be different than the rest of the world, friends. Let's remember the sacredness of the human touch.
And let's take time to be silent so that when it comes time to blog again, the words we write will be ones we've heard whispered by the Spirit of God.
(I will resume blogging next Monday; thanks for grace, friends.)
Maybe it’s not about size at all, but about
strength. Maybe it’s not about smooth skin, but about wrinkles.
Maybe instead
of touching up our roots, it’s about showing off our silver hairs. Because it’s
all about perspective.
When a person looks at an oak tree, he sees
strength—not size. When he cuts down this tree, he doesn’t airbrush the rings,
but marvels at their number. Like wrinkles, they display age and
long-suffering, stories untold—and why do we try to Cover Up true beauty?
Society has chosen certain qualifiers like size,
smoothness of skin and color of hair, because it can profit from them. It
cannot profit from natural, God-given beauty. It cannot market true value. So,
using commercials and movies and sitcoms, it saturates our brains with the need
to appear fake so it can produce a dollar.
It trains us to feel inadequate, watching these
commercials and these sitcoms, and we start to despise ourselves. We become
like children, with toy ads, and it doesn’t matter how many toys we already
have.
All we can think is, I need more.
Because society tells us we do.
The cycle spirals, and we get work done on our
noses, boobs, eyebrows, thighs and lips, until we’re so plastic we can no
longer smile. Because we’ve lost the real.
North American media has hit the world with Barbie
bombshells. It has destroyed the lives and souls of hundreds of thousands of
girls, all in the name of profit...
It’s not
about one mom standing in front of the mirror.It’s about thousands of moms. As women, we are all connected. Your life
matters. Your value is worth more than you can imagine. And the lives you’re
touching, more than you’ll ever know.
(Excerpt from Mom in the Mirror, Chapter 15: Identity
Crisis—Discovering True Self-Worth)
**Deidra Riggs is giving away a free hard-cover copy of Mom in the Mirror over HERE today**
**Friends, tomorrow I'm speaking to a crowd of about 350 here in Nashville on my own personal journey towards learning to love the woman in the mirror; pray for me? Thanks for being here with me this week, for the book launch. And of course, don't forget to pick up YOUR copy of Mom in the Mirror, HERE, if you haven't already! Have a great weekend.**
If we are peaceful, joyful and confident, our families will be too. And
if we’re anxious, fearful and ashamed, generally our children and husbands will
suffer as well.
We cannot let our fears of who we
think we are determine how we parent. Fears of passing on insecurities, of
saying or doing things that will make our children doubt themselves. Our
children will end up being more gracious than we ever thought possible, and not
because of us, but in spite of us. Because don’t we, deep-down, believe in
redemption?
The truth is, we’ll only believe in
redemption once we’ve experienced it ourselves. And we’ll only experience it
ourselves if we release our pain, our brokenness, our emptiness—let it fly to
heaven like a dove, and let God take that bird and tend to its wounds.If we keep trying to hold onto our injuries,
to damage ourselves further, we’ll never be able to fully love on those around
us, because our arms will be too full of ourselves.
We need to stop letting fear define
us, and to boldly admit we will never be good enough. Only God is good. And then, we need to do our best by our children,
anyway. To hug them, listen to them, and watch movies with them. To cry with
them when their hearts get broken.
“Remember, your example will last a long time,” writes Lerner. “As
family therapist Peggy Papp reminds us, the quality of a mother’s life and her
courage are among her most important legacies to her daughter. ‘A woman who can
believe in herself when no one else does, who will fight for herself when no
one else will, who will continue to struggle even though she is unprotected,
this woman demonstrates to her daughter that these possibilities exist.’ One
great gift a mother can give her daughter is to live her own life as well as
possible.”[1]
Page 145
Reflection
How do you and your mother get along?
How do you and your daughter get along?
What similarities do you see between the two
relationships?
How do you talk about/treat your body in front
of your daughter?
How does your view of yourself match up with
what you tell your children about their worth?
Do
you apologize to your children inasmuch as you tell them you love them?
Why/why not?
What do you remember
about mealtimes, growing up?
What messages did your
mom send you about body image and esteem?
What messages did your
dad send you?
What were your
parents’ attitudes toward physical activity?
How have their
opinions shaped yours, and which of them do you actually agree with?
Tools
Tell
your children you’re sorry for how you’ve hurt their perception of
themselves, and ask them to forgive you.
Make
a list of ways in which you can encourage/positively reinforce your
children’s sense of purpose and value, and choose a different method, each
week.
Seek
the therapy/counseling you need in order to be free of the past.
Create a body image
genogram (family tree): This exercise helps you become aware of messages
about food, weight, size which have passed down through generations.
Timeline: Develop a
timeline of when your issues with food, weight, and/or body images issues
started.
List: Create a
positive and negative list of the attributes, behaviors, or attitudes
toward food and body image which have passed down from generation to
generation that you want to continue or discontinue in your family.
What self-care behaviors
do you use?What are you going to
use this week (for example, walk three times this week, go to yoga class,
say nice comments when you look in the mirror, listen to uplifting music
when driving home from work)?
Change: What are some
behaviors of yours related to eating, physical activity, and weight
control behaviors that you want to change?
Choose one negative
behavior that you’re going to stop this week (i.e. pinching your fat,
skipping breakfast, talking about needing to go on a diet).
(Excerpt from Mom in the Mirror,Chapter 9: Like Mother, Like Daughter--Your Personal Legacy; pick up your own copy today, HERE.)
We are thriving, once again, with our two little boys.
And that dream of having another child join our family? It's growing within my womb, as we speak. And that dream's due date is January 12th. :)
We don't know yet if it is a girl. All we know is, we're in love with the mystery that is forming arms and legs and heartbeat and lungs.
And the day before I found out I had conceived (we'd been trying for a couple of months), I heard the Lord tell me to stop drinking because I was pregnant, and that this child was going to have the gifts of prophecy and music.
The next day I took the test, and it was positive.
Another dream that's come true is Mom in the Mirror--a book that helps mothers learn to love themselves, and even though I'm not very far along in this pregnancy, I'm already scared of gaining weight.
I know I'm not alone. Every woman that I've talked to has some fear or angst over the way her body changes as she grows older. Even more so if she gives birth to a child, because it's a sacrifice that every part of our body makes.
It's not wrong to love ourselves, friends. That's what these weeks of The Love Dare have been all about. After all, Christ loves us. We are his beautiful creations. And everything HE does within us is beautiful.
So will you help me celebrate these beautiful dreams, come to life? Can we pretend that you're attending my baby shower, and that we're gathered in my living room, lifting glasses of (non-alcoholic) wine to toast the miracles that only God can do?
The visions he can give us, and the way that only he can grow them within and through us?
And, if you haven't already, will you consider purchasing a copy of Mom in the Mirroreither for yourself or for a friend, and/or sharing the book trailer/writing a review on Amazon, as a shower-gift to me? :)
I would be so grateful.
Friends, it's such an honor to lift glasses with you.
Thank you, for being you. For seeing me through the hard times, and for loving me in spite.
Always, e.
Mom in the Mirror is now available in both Kindle and hard-cover copy HERE, at 30 % off. It's also NOW IN BOOKSTORES at Barnes and Noble and wherever books and e-books are sold.
Endorsements/Reviews for Mom in the Mirror
Mom in the Mirror is for the woman who sits in secrecy struggling with her self- worth, fearful of her body image, and in desperate need of support, guidance, and a way out of that judging, lonely, scared place. It is a good thing when brave women write the truth and share it with all. The words of Dena Cabrera and Emily Wierenga free us from our cages of fear, self-doubt, and body loathing. Please let the wise words of this book become a place of refuge for you and your loved ones. — Leanne Spencer, M.A., Med, licensed professional counselor/supervisor, Living Free Counseling Take the years of professional experience by Dena Cabrera combined with the personal journey of Emily Wierenga, add the hearts of two women who passionately want to help others with eating disorders and finally top it off with the heartbeat of a mother and you end up with Mom in the Mirror—a practical, passionate and professional book that will help mothers everywhere. — W. Travis Stewart, licensed professional counsellor at McCallum Place, founder of Hungry for Hope, Christian Conference for Eating and Body Image Issues If you are a woman who’s ever struggled to be comfortable in your own skin (who hasn’t?), pregnancy can create a whole host of issues. Take heart! Dena Cabrera and Emily Wierenga lead us through turbulent places of our soul with a beautifully written book that is both warm and wise. Mom in the Mirror is written with enough honesty to be relatable and enough hope to be inspiring. If you are a mom or mom-to-be who’s looking for help in making peace with your body and your soul, Mom in the Mirror is for you. — Nicole Unice, Christian counselor, speaker and author of She’s Got Issues If you look at your body and shake your head, or deliver unkind words to your reflection when you glimpse it in a department store window, or if you know exactly how much weight you’ve gained or lost since yesterday – and you know that number every day, or if you categorize food as only “good” or “bad,” or if you look at other people and judge them based on their body type, or if you run for miles because you refuse to buy a bigger dress size, or if you never sit cross-legged or lean forward in a swimsuit, this book was written for you. Written with sensitivity, and from personal experience, Mom in the Mirror has untangled all those silly knots in my head that used to make me think my body wasn’t good enough. — Deidra Riggs, writer and founder of JumpingTandem, managing editor for TheHighCalling.org, contributing writer for (in) courage As I read through Mom in the Mirror I felt like I was holding a priceless treasure in my hands. How I wished that I had come across it years ago as I was navigating my own journey through the challenging seasons of motherhood, marriage, and learning to love myself. I have personally learned so much through the wisdom and insight that is written upon each page of this magnificent book. I am so delighted that it will serve as a resource to empower and equip others to understand the complexities of being a woman and the challenges we face as we deal with our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. Every chapter invites the reader to reflect on her own thoughts and perceptions and gives valuable tools to move forward with confident resolve. What a fantastic tool for the masses. It is SO needed in our world today. — Helen Burns, founder and executive director of Mercy Ministries Canada, author of The Miracle in a Mother’s Hug Mom in the Mirror is a timely, inspirational and validating narrative of the stages of life, as well as of the often crazy making ups and downs of the courageous journey called motherhood! As a mother of twins and a singleton, and psychologist working with women and girls struggling with eating disorders, I find this a welcome and empowering resource for any mom looking for similar experiences, answers and guidance in the areas of eating struggles and weight concerns that may accompany the everyday challenges associated with mothering. Authors Dena Cabrera and Emily Wierenga combine their authentic experiences and struggles in raising children while providing enlightening leads with factual information, reflective questions that raise consciousness and provide comfort, along with tools for living to incorporate into a mother’s life. — Deborah Russo, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist, Remuda’s Education Outreach Department In a world where nothing seems real, Emily Wierenga and Dena Cabrera have finally—finally--given us an authentic and powerful look at the emotions and issues attached to childbirth. Written from personal experiences, this book isn't your typical self-help book, but rather feels like a much-needed conversation with a very good friend. Whether we know it or not, Mom in the Mirror is the book we’ve all been waiting for, and moms of all ages will benefit from the important truths inside. — Courtney Walsh, author of A Sweethaven Summer, Scrapbooking Your Faith This book is so well written that I just didn’t want to put it down. Moms everywhere will relate to the body image issues addressed in this comprehensive book, from pre-pregnancy through the childrearing years. With honesty and transparency, the authors weave together personal stories, well researched information, and practical advice. You will be touched—heart, mind, and soul—by Dena Cabrera’s professional wisdom and Emily Wierenga’s graceful prose, as they help you make peace with your body. Mom in the Mirror is powerful and life changing. — Ann Capper, RD, CDN, nutrition editor for FINDINGbalance, author; Big Thighs, Tight Jeans If you’ve given birth, your body has, necessarily, changed. Some of those changes were temporary; others, to your dismay or delight, are permanent. If you’re like a lot of women, a naughty little voice in your head hisses that your body—before, during or after pregnancy—isn’t quite acceptable the way it is. Though the lie seems believable enough, what you most need is to hear the voice of truth. In Mom in the Mirror, Dr. Dena Cabrera and the wise Emily Wierenga share words of life. Make it your post-pregnancy body-image authority! — Margot Starbuck, author of Unsqueezed: Springing Free From Skinny Jeans, Nose Jobs, Highlights & Stilettos Mom in the Mirror offers an important contribution to the field of parenting and, in particular, to the mother’s role in preventing the development of an eating disorder in her children. Through healing her own eating and body image issues, the mother becomes the most influential role model for self-acceptance and the importance of removing self-judgment. — Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA, CEDRD, nutrition therapist, private practice, co-author of Intuitive Eating Dena Cabrera and Emily Wierenga offer a beautiful tribute to motherhood, and an explanation of the complicated body image and self-image issues that naturally come along with it. The guidance provided shows moms how they can truly learn to love and accept themselves, and then pass this legacy of self-love onto their daughters. — Maria Rago, Ph.D., author of Shut up, Skinny Bitches: The Common Sense Guide to Following Your Hunger and Your Heart Mom in the Mirror is an exquisite account of motherhood that includes not only the experience of two women who overcame their own battles with food but also easy-to-follow clinical wisdom. I’m not a mom, but I sure feel better prepared to be one someday! — Jenni Schaefer, author of Goodbye Ed, Hello Me and Life without Ed A candid discussion of women's poor body image and encouragement to celebrate all that these miraculous bodies do for us! — Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC, president at Eating Disorder Hope Mom in the Mirror has been a long time coming. Like a literary mentor, this book is chock-full of useful information, tips, ideas and inspiration that can benefit ANY woman and any mother, whether she is in recovery from an eating disorder or just wants to feel better about her body, herself and her life. — Shannon Cutts, author of "Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back" and founder of MentorCONNECT A must read for any expectant parent! And for those new moms who have had eating disorders, this will be a well-worn daily companion. The tools and reflections shared will aid in creating realistic expectations for new moms. I'm impressed with the vast wisdom in this book and believe it will give much peace to anxious moms everywhere. — Becky Henry, Hope Network, LLC Excellent! Timely! As the little girls of the 70s, 80s and 90s enter into motherhood far too many find themselves paralyzed by fears of raising their children with the same body image insecurities and food issues they have experienced. Mom in the Mirror offers rich insight and highly practical application for mothers desiring to raise this next generation to love their body. In a culture steeped in disordered eating and body image, this resource is invaluable. — Megan Osborne, Ph.D, Licensed Clinical Christian Counselor, author; Shaped With Love and Tummy Talk Dena Cabrera and Emily T. Wierenga present all of the challenges and blessings of motherhood in an honest and hopeful way. Both their stories and their expertise lend them the ability to make the women who read their words laugh out loud and sigh in recognition of common struggles. This is a book by women, for women, and maybe even men, who want a glimpse of understanding of how to transform body issues during motherhood into blessings. — Kirsten Haglund, Miss America 2008, community relations specialist for Timberline Knolls Residential Treatment Center
Publisher's Weekly: In this self-help book for Christian woman who struggle with body image, authors Cabrera, PsyD, and Wierenga (Chasing Silhouettes, etc.) [back cover] offer the unique team of a licensed clinician and an author who has personally battled anorexia, respectively. Though each chapter ends with a list of thoughts for reflection and tools for change, [149, e.g.] the preceding chapter has typically consisted of less specific healing terminology, positive quotations, and personal stories. Women who agree with the authors’ spiritual assessments may benefit from this book’s been-there, encouraging tone. (May) Booklist Review: The coauthors—a former anorexic who is a mother of four and a clinical psychologist who specializes in eating disorders—tackle body image, especially during and after pregnancy. They aggregate some sensible existing pregnancy information, such as the Mayo Clinic’s advice to trade white bread and pasta for whole grains and to eat sliced fruit instead of a cookie. But they refer most frequently to God, which may turn off less-religious readers. Cabrera and Wierenga write that they want to help women “improve their relationships with their bodies, their families and their Creator.” Religion plays a big role in the stories of first-name-only real people, such as Jillian, a mother of seven whose husband was addicted to Internet porn. She believes she suffered from eating disorders as a result of his fixation on airbrushed perfection. Then she found God and a new perspective on her body. “To all husbands, I think, the most beautiful wife is a naked wife,” she says. “Not a thin wife. Not a chiseled wife. Not an airbrush. But one who lets him love her . . . sag, stretch marks, and all.”
every thursday, we gather together to celebrate redemption. here are the details:
1. link up a post (old or new) that relates to redemption. 2. put the 'imperfect prose' button at the bottom of your post, so others can find their way back here
" alt="" border="0" />) 3. read other's prose, and encourage them! so won't you join us, as we "walk each other home"? (ram dass)
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**Today, my friend Sarah Bessey is giving away a free copy of Mom in the Mirror at her blog, HERE.**
